FOR MY LIFE,
FOR REALIZING EVERYTHING THAT MY EARS HAD TO HEAR AND THE STRINGS THAT ARE BOUND TOGETHER THANKS TO MY FRIEND AMBER, AND ALL THE OTHER VOICES & SOULS ALONG THE WAY
THAT TOLD ME ALL ALONG WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE...
I'M ON THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.
I KNOW I'M GOING TO GET IT SOMEDAY.
Jan 31, 2010
Jan 30, 2010
~**~~~* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Well,
grasping onto the future, burning my past, now means now. Yes.
Forgetting the people that never meant shit to me, and still don't.
Forgetting partying that gets my name out there, for being sloppy, for being trashed.
Remembering I am sixteen, remembering I have my whole life ahead of me to live and do those things.
Just awaiting my future and right now, focusing on my life to make it all work out.
There's just so much more between the lines.
grasping onto the future, burning my past, now means now. Yes.
Forgetting the people that never meant shit to me, and still don't.
Forgetting partying that gets my name out there, for being sloppy, for being trashed.
Remembering I am sixteen, remembering I have my whole life ahead of me to live and do those things.
Just awaiting my future and right now, focusing on my life to make it all work out.
There's just so much more between the lines.
Jan 28, 2010
SUBCONCIOUS HABITS AND MIND ADDICTING THOUGHTS
Love, something that falls, something you don't learn to do, it just hits you in the heart like a stab, someone you can grow old with, a person you can confide in, a person you're not scared to spend the rest of your life with, someone who thinks you are beautiful inside and outside, someone that puts you first rather then anything and anyone else.
A spiritual bond, a physical, and mental bond, tieing two very different lives together in a knot, in a forever relationship of everlasting emotion and connection.
You think you're in love, then it happens. You feel you don't need that person anymore. You don't think you need it. You're independent. You want to be on your own. You get rejected. You get humiliated. You are on your Own, you aren't happy, really, you aren't..
Sometimes we all just want someone to find and someone to hold on to. Someone that fits in our lives perfectly like a puzzle, someone we'd find in a movie, or the lyric of our favorite song, but it never happens.
So there we sit, crying, holding our faces in our hands, tears dripping onto our pillows, feeling lost, Again, feeling alone, feeling distant from everybody. But, Listen to me, Listen up,
You are NOT alone. You WILL fall in love. Your love will sustain throughout your entire life. You need to take chances, and be risky, and stop forcing yourself to be perfect and stop forcing yourself to love the way another person lives. Stop trying to make things work, stop trying, it wasn't meant to be. You need someone that you love, you need somebody that can share new experiences with you, someone that sees you for all you are, rather then Sex, rather then a Friend, there is more, so much more to love than that.
A connection, let it find you.
<3.
A spiritual bond, a physical, and mental bond, tieing two very different lives together in a knot, in a forever relationship of everlasting emotion and connection.
You think you're in love, then it happens. You feel you don't need that person anymore. You don't think you need it. You're independent. You want to be on your own. You get rejected. You get humiliated. You are on your Own, you aren't happy, really, you aren't..
Sometimes we all just want someone to find and someone to hold on to. Someone that fits in our lives perfectly like a puzzle, someone we'd find in a movie, or the lyric of our favorite song, but it never happens.
So there we sit, crying, holding our faces in our hands, tears dripping onto our pillows, feeling lost, Again, feeling alone, feeling distant from everybody. But, Listen to me, Listen up,
You are NOT alone. You WILL fall in love. Your love will sustain throughout your entire life. You need to take chances, and be risky, and stop forcing yourself to be perfect and stop forcing yourself to love the way another person lives. Stop trying to make things work, stop trying, it wasn't meant to be. You need someone that you love, you need somebody that can share new experiences with you, someone that sees you for all you are, rather then Sex, rather then a Friend, there is more, so much more to love than that.
A connection, let it find you.
<3.
Jan 27, 2010
apologies
acceptance, gratitude, survival, and hope
Strength, limits, goals,
certainty, selflessness, perseverance,
passion, integrity, and love,
a loss, a gain, a fight to survive,
a constant battle,
a constant memory and haunt,
a constant pain,
and a constant doubt,
my life
Strength, limits, goals,
certainty, selflessness, perseverance,
passion, integrity, and love,
a loss, a gain, a fight to survive,
a constant battle,
a constant memory and haunt,
a constant pain,
and a constant doubt,
my life
Jan 26, 2010
the sixth day
and my head is in rapid convulsions from a disease known as Anger,
but I have the strength to get up and walk myself away from a knot that had been loosening the entire time it had been tied. And I can see now like the light of day that I can also forget a past because people change entirely and you forget the feelings you once had, and a friendship is so much better then fighting to get a chance.
But then again, no one wants to feel alone. So here I am, loosing friends, and loosing the only shot at love I thought I could get, and my dad doesn't trust me one bit, and my room is a mess, and my new Physics teacher puts me to sleep, and my life is a pitter-patter of alcohol and bad party pictures and black lungs.
What the fuck Sarah? Is this a realization right now? Is this You telling yourself you need a change? A good change?
I think SO. What the hell am I doing?
I run my mouth like no tomorrow and my friends don't trust me as I don't trust them and I am not confident and I am insecure and I feel like an Ugly girl and I feel worthless and I feel like my life is pointless again and again because That passion is lost and I am pathetic, Yes, I am That pathetic.
but I have the strength to get up and walk myself away from a knot that had been loosening the entire time it had been tied. And I can see now like the light of day that I can also forget a past because people change entirely and you forget the feelings you once had, and a friendship is so much better then fighting to get a chance.
But then again, no one wants to feel alone. So here I am, loosing friends, and loosing the only shot at love I thought I could get, and my dad doesn't trust me one bit, and my room is a mess, and my new Physics teacher puts me to sleep, and my life is a pitter-patter of alcohol and bad party pictures and black lungs.
What the fuck Sarah? Is this a realization right now? Is this You telling yourself you need a change? A good change?
I think SO. What the hell am I doing?
I run my mouth like no tomorrow and my friends don't trust me as I don't trust them and I am not confident and I am insecure and I feel like an Ugly girl and I feel worthless and I feel like my life is pointless again and again because That passion is lost and I am pathetic, Yes, I am That pathetic.
Jan 20, 2010
A FRONT
*my toes dug in the sand and the moonlight shone on the cool, clear, water that came crashing in on the shore. Up above, the stars were scattered and they peppered the sky. I felt free on that shore. I felt welcome. I sat up and jumped feet first in to the raging wave with my nose plugged. I sat underwater for a moment staring at my flowing hair and my palm held out in front on my face. I observed the cracks in it and the wrinkles, formed when I was just a baby, when I was just an innocent child. I remember sucking on my thumb. I looked up, and the skylight shined on my face and I closed my eyes seeing myself for the first time. Seeing the years, and the person, beneath this skin.
At this point I pushed the sand with my feet dashing up, gasping for a breath of air. I looked around. There was no one, there was no voices, no swimmers, no nothing. I smiled as I pushed my hair out of my face, and I went on.*
At this point I pushed the sand with my feet dashing up, gasping for a breath of air. I looked around. There was no one, there was no voices, no swimmers, no nothing. I smiled as I pushed my hair out of my face, and I went on.*
Jan 15, 2010
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR
A FULL COMPLETE BREAK DOWN OF MYSELF, JUST FOR YOU (OR ME?)
I am a withering person so tragically lost in the space of doubt,
Doubt, I doubt myself all the time. I think I am incapable of everything, causing me to feel
Embarrassed, by everything I do, the way I look, and the way I present myself I wish I had confidence, something I lack where I look down at my shoes and I'm afraid to stare you in your eyes.
I get lost in my head all the time and escape from this frightening reality of
replicated personalities and the day to day routine that crushes all of us into a
smoldering heap of fabricated stories and the bad talking about regular people to escape our insecurities only to make us feel falsely stronger and get the fixed feeling of achievement.
I run from all of my opportunities which are handed to me, I am a hopeless romantic, I am a disorganized mess. I don't know what I'm doing or why I am doing it half the time. I seem unapproachable. I feel like a shadow. I feel basic.
I say things that aren't meant to be said but I say them anyway because I'm blunt and because sometimes I wish people could take what I had to say, not to heart, but I wish people didn't have to be so god damn sensitive or they could handle the truth and come down from there pedastal. There is a thin line between anger and a joke for me. I tweak out.
I dislike being alone and the only thing that entertains me anymore is the past because those were fond memories that blew away with the wind.
I wish I could break my walls down, I wish I could be more talkative and more genuine. I hate the fact my Mom never had the chance to parent me as I grew older. I hate that my Father loves control. I always tell myself I'm not going to be like either one of them because I am watching them as their lives are crumbling away because they never reached out and grabbed their aspirations with their palms.
I want to live somewhere else then this town. I want to make goals. I don't want a normal job, normal house, normal goals. I want to escape, travel, write, experience, fall in love, do things I can achieve on this Planet before my dieing day.
Getting drunk and stoned all the time is not what I want to continue in my life. I am fucking sixteen years old, but by the time I am 21 I probably would have been sick of alcohol. Smoking cigarettes, about that, I wanted to quit. I know its bad. I know it can kill you. I know you can get lung cancer. But, the fruit of life comes from what you enjoy, and Hell if I am feeling a little lonely or If I want a moment to think, then I am going to smoke one because were all going to fucking die someday why the fuck does it matter what we do to our bodies.
I don't know if I am a religious person. I don't know if I have a religion. I want to. But, something inside me wants me to beleive everything happens for a reason, you can't question it, but it just happens. I want to beleive there is something higher then me on the pedastal of existence, but the only thing I can beleive in is myself because it is already a fight for me to do that. To challenge my beleifs and opinions, and do the greater good of humanity.
Something about me always wants what I can't have. I want him, I want this color hair, I want to be like her, I want that money. I take what I have for granted, because I never am satisfied with my life or friends or where I stand.
About love, about boys, I don't know what my problem is. I run away from people reaching out to me, and I always want to try and change people. I have a notion in my head and I can't seem to get it out. I do all the wrong things, I never play right, and my standards remain a mystery because I am saving a spot in my life for Mr. Perfect. Yeah right, I keep telling myself, I won't ever let him in my life anyway. I am a mess. I fret over the small things. Analyze my every move, his every move, everyone's every move. I question everything. Doubt. [There's that word again.] I guess I just don't get the way the world works.
I don't think I am a creeper kind of girl when I like the guy. But when I want something really bad I wish I could just have it, I wish it could be right there in front of me, and I wish two people didn't have to be so damn different, and I wish lives didn't have to change, and I wish there was a right time, and a right place.
But, everyone is different, everyone has different ideas and histories and futures. Not everyone can get along and not everyone can see all your worth. I have thin skin I let everything get to me. I can't stand when people are mad at me. I can't stand disapproval because honestly, yes I do care if you disapprove I do care what you think and what you say to others.
I spend way too much time alone.
I hope you can get a better understanding of me, I more or less just wanted whoever that reads this, to see a little bit more in my soul, don't know if you even read what I wrote or believe it, but maybe my 2nd personality wrote down a bunch of lies to make myself really feel like that. I think I just needed to get that all out. All those flaws. It helps. A little....
I've got to start loving myself.
I am a withering person so tragically lost in the space of doubt,
Doubt, I doubt myself all the time. I think I am incapable of everything, causing me to feel
Embarrassed, by everything I do, the way I look, and the way I present myself I wish I had confidence, something I lack where I look down at my shoes and I'm afraid to stare you in your eyes.
I get lost in my head all the time and escape from this frightening reality of
replicated personalities and the day to day routine that crushes all of us into a
smoldering heap of fabricated stories and the bad talking about regular people to escape our insecurities only to make us feel falsely stronger and get the fixed feeling of achievement.
I run from all of my opportunities which are handed to me, I am a hopeless romantic, I am a disorganized mess. I don't know what I'm doing or why I am doing it half the time. I seem unapproachable. I feel like a shadow. I feel basic.
I say things that aren't meant to be said but I say them anyway because I'm blunt and because sometimes I wish people could take what I had to say, not to heart, but I wish people didn't have to be so god damn sensitive or they could handle the truth and come down from there pedastal. There is a thin line between anger and a joke for me. I tweak out.
I dislike being alone and the only thing that entertains me anymore is the past because those were fond memories that blew away with the wind.
I wish I could break my walls down, I wish I could be more talkative and more genuine. I hate the fact my Mom never had the chance to parent me as I grew older. I hate that my Father loves control. I always tell myself I'm not going to be like either one of them because I am watching them as their lives are crumbling away because they never reached out and grabbed their aspirations with their palms.
I want to live somewhere else then this town. I want to make goals. I don't want a normal job, normal house, normal goals. I want to escape, travel, write, experience, fall in love, do things I can achieve on this Planet before my dieing day.
Getting drunk and stoned all the time is not what I want to continue in my life. I am fucking sixteen years old, but by the time I am 21 I probably would have been sick of alcohol. Smoking cigarettes, about that, I wanted to quit. I know its bad. I know it can kill you. I know you can get lung cancer. But, the fruit of life comes from what you enjoy, and Hell if I am feeling a little lonely or If I want a moment to think, then I am going to smoke one because were all going to fucking die someday why the fuck does it matter what we do to our bodies.
I don't know if I am a religious person. I don't know if I have a religion. I want to. But, something inside me wants me to beleive everything happens for a reason, you can't question it, but it just happens. I want to beleive there is something higher then me on the pedastal of existence, but the only thing I can beleive in is myself because it is already a fight for me to do that. To challenge my beleifs and opinions, and do the greater good of humanity.
Something about me always wants what I can't have. I want him, I want this color hair, I want to be like her, I want that money. I take what I have for granted, because I never am satisfied with my life or friends or where I stand.
About love, about boys, I don't know what my problem is. I run away from people reaching out to me, and I always want to try and change people. I have a notion in my head and I can't seem to get it out. I do all the wrong things, I never play right, and my standards remain a mystery because I am saving a spot in my life for Mr. Perfect. Yeah right, I keep telling myself, I won't ever let him in my life anyway. I am a mess. I fret over the small things. Analyze my every move, his every move, everyone's every move. I question everything. Doubt. [There's that word again.] I guess I just don't get the way the world works.
I don't think I am a creeper kind of girl when I like the guy. But when I want something really bad I wish I could just have it, I wish it could be right there in front of me, and I wish two people didn't have to be so damn different, and I wish lives didn't have to change, and I wish there was a right time, and a right place.
But, everyone is different, everyone has different ideas and histories and futures. Not everyone can get along and not everyone can see all your worth. I have thin skin I let everything get to me. I can't stand when people are mad at me. I can't stand disapproval because honestly, yes I do care if you disapprove I do care what you think and what you say to others.
I spend way too much time alone.
I hope you can get a better understanding of me, I more or less just wanted whoever that reads this, to see a little bit more in my soul, don't know if you even read what I wrote or believe it, but maybe my 2nd personality wrote down a bunch of lies to make myself really feel like that. I think I just needed to get that all out. All those flaws. It helps. A little....
I've got to start loving myself.
Jan 12, 2010
I CAN'T FOCUS, CAN'T CONCENTRATE, CAN'T THINK
MY HEAD IS BEATING AND THERE SEEMS TO BE A STRAIN
I'M LOSING FAITH IN MY LOVED ONES,
I'M FINDING HOPE IN MY STRUGGLING FRIENDS,
I TELL MYSELF I AM RELENTLESS, I TELL MYSELF I AM QUITTING
I AM SICK OF REJECTION,
LET DOWN,
BRUTALITY,
I am just fed up with myself, the actions I seem to keep doing, the money I keep throwing,
I can't hate myself, I have to learn to love it, and I have to find what it is that is going to make me happy.
my head fucking hurts, I am fucking sick of school, I am fucking sick of my days passing by held hostage in a fucking classroom learning things I am never going to use, when I can pick up the same book in my own fucking time. I am so fucking fed up, fed up, SICK, with everything and everyone, EVERYONE.
I can think of a few that I love being with,
I can think of a few I honestly miss,
I just need my life back in order & I need to find a motive & I need some effort
MY HEAD IS BEATING AND THERE SEEMS TO BE A STRAIN
I'M LOSING FAITH IN MY LOVED ONES,
I'M FINDING HOPE IN MY STRUGGLING FRIENDS,
I TELL MYSELF I AM RELENTLESS, I TELL MYSELF I AM QUITTING
I AM SICK OF REJECTION,
LET DOWN,
BRUTALITY,
I am just fed up with myself, the actions I seem to keep doing, the money I keep throwing,
I can't hate myself, I have to learn to love it, and I have to find what it is that is going to make me happy.
my head fucking hurts, I am fucking sick of school, I am fucking sick of my days passing by held hostage in a fucking classroom learning things I am never going to use, when I can pick up the same book in my own fucking time. I am so fucking fed up, fed up, SICK, with everything and everyone, EVERYONE.
I can think of a few that I love being with,
I can think of a few I honestly miss,
I just need my life back in order & I need to find a motive & I need some effort
Jan 11, 2010
MY HANDS
are heavyyyyy,
they fall,
held by a weight,
my heart races,
I know in my head what is wrong,
and I know what is right,
I know my life can come spiraling down,
I know what I should be doing,
there is still something inside
that is saying this can work,
you can make it work,
and rejection is hard,
but I feel strong enough,
to take that rejection,
and I am not weak enough,
to let it hurt me,
as my blood is still
running through these
violet veins,
Here I am today
they fall,
held by a weight,
my heart races,
I know in my head what is wrong,
and I know what is right,
I know my life can come spiraling down,
I know what I should be doing,
there is still something inside
that is saying this can work,
you can make it work,
and rejection is hard,
but I feel strong enough,
to take that rejection,
and I am not weak enough,
to let it hurt me,
as my blood is still
running through these
violet veins,
Here I am today
Jan 10, 2010
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