Untitled, a photo by sarahrosephotography on Flickr.

losticism

hate

First of all I'm fucking crying and I'm fucking angry. At this point in my life, I feel so dismembered....where did I go? Where did my motivations run too? My grandparents, I never see them....my mom.....never see her......I'm a piece of shit and I cannot do this anymore. I can't let myself believe I don't deserve a good life. I can't let myself believe I can't be loved. I don't get why my mind works this way, why I must feel suffering. Is it because of my potential, the potential buried under my skin that seems to be lost? I can't take this anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. My brain never stops mutilating every decision/course of action that I do. I'm in disgust. At this moment, I can honestly say I hate myself.

Untitled

standing in the sun but I feel so cold.

all I know is I wish I had somebody to hold.

I'm icy like last December,

all I can do is remember.

I feel like I'm four,

watching my mom walk right out the door,

shivering in this heat,

I feel like I've been beat.

the ice is running thin,

cracking, about to break with every sin.

When I look up,

I ask God, "Do you even give a fuck?"

because I want the cold to go away

I want to enjoy this sunny day

but I just can't

Free Spirit, Evil Spirit

So here I am, got my hat on with my hair tucked in, away from my face. Friday night, almost midnight, alone. Thought, after thought, after thought. ..

All these faces over the years, they come and they go. I am dented with their impact. I am stronger with their scars they left me with. I am smarter with the lies they had told. I wish I was wise, I wish I had knowledge, but change keeps knockin' on my door, would you leave what you have now for something that sparkles and shines, with a little gold and silver, and your pennies would be left under your couch cushion for later use. You forget about those pennies, the pocket fillers, that don't mean shit. It is almost an annoyance, too many pennies, I've even thrown pennies away before, just fuck Pennies.
But then, all that sparkle and shine turns to black, because it is mirage, and it was black the entire time..


Faced with the question, "what are you doing after highschool"
I don't fucking know.

Something inside is telling me to move as far away as possible, so I can make a name for myself and to start new. If I have this chance, why not take it? Should I conform, follow everyone I know, to the city that has taken our hearts by storm, the classic city with the comfort of the lake and the buildings and lights, Oh, Milwaukee, you warm our hearts, but fuck you.

Do I belong in the North, do I belong far away? A place I have never called Home before, somewhere Brand New, (new is my middle name) I love adventure and the running satisfaction I continue to get after meeting new people and conquering new places.

Basically, I am lost with what to do. I have time to figure it out.

---

I fret about things I shouldn't need to fret about. Seventeen, no worries, easy job, easy school work, living the dream.

Each day never ceases to amaze me.
There is always something different and new that lies ahead. I am always learning and that's what life is, a constant lesson that never stops. I am so aware of everything, even when I am in a daze. It is going to be hard saying goodbye to people these next few weeks as they progress and enter adulthood, but then again, I will be too, it won't be easy, change is always something a little hard to get used to but that's all that my life is, one big cycle of change. But I am not complaining, I love everything that everyone has given me, the chance to be their friend and share experiences with them, that is all I could ask for. I cannot hold on to anything forever, my grip becomes loose and I slowly fall into a new level, and then I can stand my ground again, getting used to a new feeling and new things. Life ain't easy, but I can always say I am thankful for what I got.



New year, its going to bring so many new things, and I am smiling from ear to ear, and my hearts pumping, and my head is clear, so Here We Go, Its on

Wow

sometimes I get so down, but honestly, a few hours later I am sparked with the flint of life and happiness returns to me. My beautiful friends and family, sometimes the choices I make are the wise ones, that's when I pat myself on the back for allowing myself to have control. Wow, I am in utter disbelief at how many good people I have met over the years, and how many great people I have met and how many places I have been, and guess what, it keeps going, its always going to go on, and my smile only becomes bigger with the feeling of love and being loved and giving love.


cheers to life, friends, family, memories, and the future
I will sleep just great tonight.

I hate that I am used, that I use you too, I hate that I am alone, but at the same time I love how I am so happy. I hate that I don't know what to say, to make you want me, but I love that I am what I am, and I don't care who walks out my life. I hate that I haven't heard I Love You, but I love that I am smart, and I love that I feel wise. I hate that I feel awkward and my words tumble, but I love that I smile so big and so bright. I love that I am okay, I love that I don't absolutely need anything, but I hate that I do everything, everything I probably shouldn't do, but I love It, I love me.

I need this now

"CAUSE YOU'VE GOT ME ON MY KNEES, AND RIGHT ABOUT NOW I'M BEGGING YOU PLEASE I KNOW YOU WON'T CAUSE YOU'VE GOT NEEDS. AND EVERYTHING STOPS WHEN EVERYONE WANTS, WE ALL NEED THINGS. AND RIGHT ABOUT NOW I'M ON MY KNEES."























need want
motivation loss
crippling
dieing
disease
lust
addiction
fear
confide
release
release
release
gone...

BLAH

in ten minutes I will be seventeen




what the fuck? Where did my life go?
I remember when I was four visiting my mom at her old apartment. I remember my old house, the time my brother threw our cat Lucky at my face, leaving a scar on me. Playing in our yard that always looked like it stretched for miles. I remember how close I was with my cousins, making home videos, forts, bouncing on trampolines, playing in sprinklers, lighting fireworks. I remember moving in to our house we have now. I remember middle school, when everyone was friends. Growing up, things change. Eighth grade I was trying to find a way to be cool, trying to fit in with a social scene that was unusual for me. changing the way I dressed and acted and my morals. The kids I was friends with then, well, they never seem to change.

Highschool hit me hard. I was pumped and ready. Then, after a while, you get used to it, its a bunch of bullshit. its easy to slide right through, and the days seem to be always the same.



Seeing myself and looking at my past, I have changed in so many ways I could only explain them if you asked. this new age and new year it will bring, I want to truly find steady friends, I do not want to stand or tolerate you if you don't have any sort of gain for me, I do not need you then. This is my life I am finally figuring out. I am me. I dress a certain way, write a certain way, dream a certain way, and my past is a certain way.

There is only one of me, ever to walk this planet, so as far as I am concerned as long as I am happy it is all that matters.


Much love, <3

COMPILATION OF HAPPY