this.must.be.the.place.

                                           

   

FUCK YOU

fuck you and fuck you stupid fucking faggots stupid fucking friends from high school fuck off you never meant shit two faced sluts fucking bitches, fucking idiots, fucking stupid boys, I hate everybody and everything I hate myself I hate FEELINGS I hate being sad before holidays I hate coming home, I want to go far the fuck away. I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING

What the fuck.

Home at last. Home, it feels fine. It feels different. It feels...weird. So many memories I have made here for the past 17 years of my life. And lately, things don't seem to be making me happy. I have forgotten what it feels like to have butterflies, I forgot about having a crush or two, and real friends, a true blue group of amigos that I can be myself around. Every step I take is in a direction where it leads to a wall, so I am stepping in circles only leading to dead ends and nails in the wall. What the fuck? Fuck everything, fuck everybody, fuck myself. Life is such hell, life is so unknown, yet we pretend we know what the fuck is going on. NEGATIVE outlook right now on everything. when I am such a positive person......it's just like....what the fuck is next? Bland boring people resorting to their old ways never learning making me feel stupid like shit never moving never connecting frayed wires tied in to knots. I am watching you, and I feel like a fucking rock in a river slowly eroding from you and your bullshit life.





Writing this has made me realize that I am just trying to make myself feel better in all honesty and this is horrible. I usually get what I want, and the thing that I want the most I can't have and never had. I can only enjoy when he decides to come and step in to my life, and when he goes I am the only one that gets sad. Hate, hate hate hate hate. fuck you.

Here I Am

in all my holiness, standing before you. I will never be the same as I am currently. I never was the same after my first acid trip standing before a stage feeling like I was five years old. Bright colours bright sounds reflecting on to my skin, as I breathed it all in, a sense of contentment endured over me. That experience was all I needed to see a greater meaning in my life. How far I've come. Eighteen years ago, I was nothing but an infant, crawling, with no goals, no ways of speaking, no ambitions, I was spectating the world. Eighteen years later, here I am. I am alive, I am engulfed with love with music with life with new possibilities. It seems so rare to me, this feeling of happiness. I must cherish it while it's still here. So many new horizons in the next six months, and how beautiful would it be to see a new one every day? Taking on risks and chances and bold moves gets me where I need to be. My self dignity has never escalated so high. I am proud of myself. I know where I want to go in the future. So many things and people and reasons around me why I should be happy and why I should keep pushing on. The fact that I want to become a photojournalist, and cover stories all around the world, with expensive equipment to capture stories of real life people, the people that fucking matter. The old, the poor, the salty, the beautiful. Everyone is beautiful. The fact that I have an aching bones to get out of my town. To meet more splendor people that will impact me. Impact. the best thing. The fact that the world's beautiful and I want to travel, see it all with my own pupils before the day I die. The fact that all my family never saw it. The close mindedness, the judgement, the expectations- it's all dead to me. The fact I want to have a child someday, and I know I will be the greatest mother giving them love and life and opportunity and respect. The fact that I want to experience culture, all the aspects of all the different cultures, rich in traditions. It's all so beautiful to me. The fact that at the moment I like a boy from a completely different continent, telling me anywhere I go, I can find love anywhere. There is a soul mate out there waiting for me. Some day I will meet a man that is going to sweep me off my feet and we will click like two puzzle pieces finally meeting. The fact that my mother never lived her life to the fullest-due to running away from problems and choice. I forgive her, but at the same time my heart is black. Sorrow. I want to get swept away an fulfill my dreams and my ambition is high like the mountains and I am ready to climb foot by foot, higher and higher, to get to the top, and stare at the sun sky clouds towns people, all below me, above me. And there I will stand, proud, tall, smiling, center of the universe.


I think I can do it.
I know I can.
So, cheers to life and love and being happy with oneself.


That's all.

down

feeling down, feeling a bit lost. I can't control my mood or thoughts. I'm trapped under the ice. Screaming out for someone real. For someone to love me. For me to love myself. It's not working, my lungs can't handle the screaming. My breaths grow short. The effort dwindles. So this is it? This is all I've got surrounding me? Fake people, people I've grown apart from, people that don't establish connections with me. And this is why I hate myself most of the time, no one wants me no one wants to get to know no one cares. So, maybe I need to start caring? Is that a solution? Not sure. I just cannot stand this infinity of helplessness anymore. Who, what, am I? Why?

Untitled, a photo by sarahrosephotography on Flickr.

losticism

hate

First of all I'm fucking crying and I'm fucking angry. At this point in my life, I feel so dismembered....where did I go? Where did my motivations run too? My grandparents, I never see them....my mom.....never see her......I'm a piece of shit and I cannot do this anymore. I can't let myself believe I don't deserve a good life. I can't let myself believe I can't be loved. I don't get why my mind works this way, why I must feel suffering. Is it because of my potential, the potential buried under my skin that seems to be lost? I can't take this anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. My brain never stops mutilating every decision/course of action that I do. I'm in disgust. At this moment, I can honestly say I hate myself.

Untitled

standing in the sun but I feel so cold.

all I know is I wish I had somebody to hold.

I'm icy like last December,

all I can do is remember.

I feel like I'm four,

watching my mom walk right out the door,

shivering in this heat,

I feel like I've been beat.

the ice is running thin,

cracking, about to break with every sin.

When I look up,

I ask God, "Do you even give a fuck?"

because I want the cold to go away

I want to enjoy this sunny day

but I just can't

Free Spirit, Evil Spirit

So here I am, got my hat on with my hair tucked in, away from my face. Friday night, almost midnight, alone. Thought, after thought, after thought. ..

All these faces over the years, they come and they go. I am dented with their impact. I am stronger with their scars they left me with. I am smarter with the lies they had told. I wish I was wise, I wish I had knowledge, but change keeps knockin' on my door, would you leave what you have now for something that sparkles and shines, with a little gold and silver, and your pennies would be left under your couch cushion for later use. You forget about those pennies, the pocket fillers, that don't mean shit. It is almost an annoyance, too many pennies, I've even thrown pennies away before, just fuck Pennies.
But then, all that sparkle and shine turns to black, because it is mirage, and it was black the entire time..


Faced with the question, "what are you doing after highschool"
I don't fucking know.

Something inside is telling me to move as far away as possible, so I can make a name for myself and to start new. If I have this chance, why not take it? Should I conform, follow everyone I know, to the city that has taken our hearts by storm, the classic city with the comfort of the lake and the buildings and lights, Oh, Milwaukee, you warm our hearts, but fuck you.

Do I belong in the North, do I belong far away? A place I have never called Home before, somewhere Brand New, (new is my middle name) I love adventure and the running satisfaction I continue to get after meeting new people and conquering new places.

Basically, I am lost with what to do. I have time to figure it out.

---

I fret about things I shouldn't need to fret about. Seventeen, no worries, easy job, easy school work, living the dream.

Each day never ceases to amaze me.
There is always something different and new that lies ahead. I am always learning and that's what life is, a constant lesson that never stops. I am so aware of everything, even when I am in a daze. It is going to be hard saying goodbye to people these next few weeks as they progress and enter adulthood, but then again, I will be too, it won't be easy, change is always something a little hard to get used to but that's all that my life is, one big cycle of change. But I am not complaining, I love everything that everyone has given me, the chance to be their friend and share experiences with them, that is all I could ask for. I cannot hold on to anything forever, my grip becomes loose and I slowly fall into a new level, and then I can stand my ground again, getting used to a new feeling and new things. Life ain't easy, but I can always say I am thankful for what I got.



New year, its going to bring so many new things, and I am smiling from ear to ear, and my hearts pumping, and my head is clear, so Here We Go, Its on

Wow

sometimes I get so down, but honestly, a few hours later I am sparked with the flint of life and happiness returns to me. My beautiful friends and family, sometimes the choices I make are the wise ones, that's when I pat myself on the back for allowing myself to have control. Wow, I am in utter disbelief at how many good people I have met over the years, and how many great people I have met and how many places I have been, and guess what, it keeps going, its always going to go on, and my smile only becomes bigger with the feeling of love and being loved and giving love.


cheers to life, friends, family, memories, and the future
I will sleep just great tonight.

I hate that I am used, that I use you too, I hate that I am alone, but at the same time I love how I am so happy. I hate that I don't know what to say, to make you want me, but I love that I am what I am, and I don't care who walks out my life. I hate that I haven't heard I Love You, but I love that I am smart, and I love that I feel wise. I hate that I feel awkward and my words tumble, but I love that I smile so big and so bright. I love that I am okay, I love that I don't absolutely need anything, but I hate that I do everything, everything I probably shouldn't do, but I love It, I love me.

I need this now

"CAUSE YOU'VE GOT ME ON MY KNEES, AND RIGHT ABOUT NOW I'M BEGGING YOU PLEASE I KNOW YOU WON'T CAUSE YOU'VE GOT NEEDS. AND EVERYTHING STOPS WHEN EVERYONE WANTS, WE ALL NEED THINGS. AND RIGHT ABOUT NOW I'M ON MY KNEES."























need want
motivation loss
crippling
dieing
disease
lust
addiction
fear
confide
release
release
release
gone...

BLAH

in ten minutes I will be seventeen




what the fuck? Where did my life go?
I remember when I was four visiting my mom at her old apartment. I remember my old house, the time my brother threw our cat Lucky at my face, leaving a scar on me. Playing in our yard that always looked like it stretched for miles. I remember how close I was with my cousins, making home videos, forts, bouncing on trampolines, playing in sprinklers, lighting fireworks. I remember moving in to our house we have now. I remember middle school, when everyone was friends. Growing up, things change. Eighth grade I was trying to find a way to be cool, trying to fit in with a social scene that was unusual for me. changing the way I dressed and acted and my morals. The kids I was friends with then, well, they never seem to change.

Highschool hit me hard. I was pumped and ready. Then, after a while, you get used to it, its a bunch of bullshit. its easy to slide right through, and the days seem to be always the same.



Seeing myself and looking at my past, I have changed in so many ways I could only explain them if you asked. this new age and new year it will bring, I want to truly find steady friends, I do not want to stand or tolerate you if you don't have any sort of gain for me, I do not need you then. This is my life I am finally figuring out. I am me. I dress a certain way, write a certain way, dream a certain way, and my past is a certain way.

There is only one of me, ever to walk this planet, so as far as I am concerned as long as I am happy it is all that matters.


Much love, <3

COMPILATION OF HAPPY

confused.

sometimes I get a little impatient looking at all these good things in the lives of others, and sometimes I feel a little abandoned. I wonder why I don't get what I want when I feel so deserving, sometimes I fall flat on my face. And then sometimes I pick myself right up and I put a smile on and laugh. There's gaps in my life, where the sadness and desertion fit perfectly in, and I always tell myself it's going to be okay. Cause I am young, and I know there is always something that is going to be new, something to pull me through.


I wished for the past nights that I wouldn't be so lonely that I wouldn't be so cold that I wouldn't be so disconnected, but a wish never comes true unless you act upon it. I am done, sick and tired, for waiting for it to appear on my doorstep, an action is all it takes. A necessary spark is lurking somewhere in the future of my life, in this life I call my own, and its buried somewhere and all I have to do is find it, and light it.


I can't stay hopeless, I can't. I have the drive I need I have ambition that won't ever die, because when I set my mind to something, I will try my hardest to make it happen.

here today. gone tomorrow.

so many thoughts right now...

it feels like each day is the same, feels like a part of myself is missing, I am trying to fill it with every need I feel. But, nothing fills it, it still remains gone. I keep asking myself when this hole will be replaced, I keep wondering how it is I will feel satisfied, what do I need?

Need and want, it consumes everybody. We all want things, but do we need them?
Eventually, your life hits you so hard, your sitting there wondering why you are taking these hits, why you're taking these shots, why your smoking these cigarettes, is it because this feels right? It feels good right now. We are young, our lives are passing by so fast. This is fun to us..but one day, when that day is right, sober and life, go hand in hand, cause substance is substance its only that, its not a part of anyone, it does not fill gaps or holes..it is not a missing puzzle piece...

One day I am going to take a stand, its not hard but right now, it feels normal...

The only way to fill that hole I seem to have is my dreams, that hole is my future, I wish I could reach out and feel it, feel everything in twenty years from now, where the fuck am I going to be, who will be there for me, and who is going to be there to love me, and who isn't? Who won't be there, who dropped me, who the fuck did I drop to get where I want to be?

These people in my life, some of them, they are diminishing, they are slowly fading off the map, I seem smarter and wiser, I seem to play everything off, but deep down, do I know whats best for me? Do I know when to stop loving somebody? Do I know when to stop caring? I hold on to every moment, and then that moments gone..all I have is that point in time where I can always look back at....






every day I examine myself, who the fuck am I? who am I trying to prove? I am only trying to prove something to myself...prove that even though I am alone, even though my mother has never really been a mother to me the woman that is broke whom I barely get to see, the father that remains distant the man that is blind who doesn't understand anything about me, and that my friends fill the space from time to time, even that I am alone I can try the least bit to understand myself cause it seems like no one else can understand me, who has the guts to even try?

This isn't a cry for help, this is a cry for something NEW

CHAIN ME

feel like breaking down, breaking apart every piece of my life, never happy never happy, fucked over, sad, alone, here I am, shit, lost in this house, my mind buried under my pillow, my future seems so little, so far away, and now I am stuck in the now, I want to get out of here I want to go far away, I want somebody to hold, I am sick of being alone I am sick of hanging out with these fucking people I am sick of sick



I AM SICK OF THIS

its nuts up here in the den..

So there I am, I am looking out down the road, the road to nowhere the road to a house with a comfortable bed and blank walls and a ceiling, high ceilings, so all my wildest dreams can fit.. I see myself standing in the door way, looking out across a skyline full of buildings tall buildings and an ocean, so close it feels, the wind brushing my cheeks and the sunlight slowly falling asleep, I can feel her on my shoulders. My heart feels warm, I feel happy, I turn inside to greet my husband, a hansom man, a perfectly imperfect man, supporting me as I support him, and a child, a newborn baby, set in her crib. I glance out the window to the sun and the skyline and the buildings one more time, and a tear falls slowly swimming down my face. My life feels complete, my life feels full, I am satisfied..





















CHASE AFTER DREAMS CHASE AFTER WHO YOU ARE CHASE AFTER WHAT YOU WANT TO BECOME, ONE LIFE, THIS IS ALL YOU GET, DO AS YOU PLEASE, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, THATS ALL THAT MATTERS.