Jul 28, 2011

Here I Am

in all my holiness, standing before you. I will never be the same as I am currently. I never was the same after my first acid trip standing before a stage feeling like I was five years old. Bright colours bright sounds reflecting on to my skin, as I breathed it all in, a sense of contentment endured over me. That experience was all I needed to see a greater meaning in my life. How far I've come. Eighteen years ago, I was nothing but an infant, crawling, with no goals, no ways of speaking, no ambitions, I was spectating the world. Eighteen years later, here I am. I am alive, I am engulfed with love with music with life with new possibilities. It seems so rare to me, this feeling of happiness. I must cherish it while it's still here. So many new horizons in the next six months, and how beautiful would it be to see a new one every day? Taking on risks and chances and bold moves gets me where I need to be. My self dignity has never escalated so high. I am proud of myself. I know where I want to go in the future. So many things and people and reasons around me why I should be happy and why I should keep pushing on. The fact that I want to become a photojournalist, and cover stories all around the world, with expensive equipment to capture stories of real life people, the people that fucking matter. The old, the poor, the salty, the beautiful. Everyone is beautiful. The fact that I have an aching bones to get out of my town. To meet more splendor people that will impact me. Impact. the best thing. The fact that the world's beautiful and I want to travel, see it all with my own pupils before the day I die. The fact that all my family never saw it. The close mindedness, the judgement, the expectations- it's all dead to me. The fact I want to have a child someday, and I know I will be the greatest mother giving them love and life and opportunity and respect. The fact that I want to experience culture, all the aspects of all the different cultures, rich in traditions. It's all so beautiful to me. The fact that at the moment I like a boy from a completely different continent, telling me anywhere I go, I can find love anywhere. There is a soul mate out there waiting for me. Some day I will meet a man that is going to sweep me off my feet and we will click like two puzzle pieces finally meeting. The fact that my mother never lived her life to the fullest-due to running away from problems and choice. I forgive her, but at the same time my heart is black. Sorrow. I want to get swept away an fulfill my dreams and my ambition is high like the mountains and I am ready to climb foot by foot, higher and higher, to get to the top, and stare at the sun sky clouds towns people, all below me, above me. And there I will stand, proud, tall, smiling, center of the universe.

I think I can do it.
I know I can.
So, cheers to life and love and being happy with oneself.

That's all.

Jul 1, 2011


feeling down, feeling a bit lost. I can't control my mood or thoughts. I'm trapped under the ice. Screaming out for someone real. For someone to love me. For me to love myself. It's not working, my lungs can't handle the screaming. My breaths grow short. The effort dwindles. So this is it? This is all I've got surrounding me? Fake people, people I've grown apart from, people that don't establish connections with me. And this is why I hate myself most of the time, no one wants me no one wants to get to know no one cares. So, maybe I need to start caring? Is that a solution? Not sure. I just cannot stand this infinity of helplessness anymore. Who, what, am I? Why?