Jan 26, 2009

if you think you know enough

You don't.
A lack of independence growing inside is aiming right at my heart
It is there, but I am slowly falling, falling back in to the hole I was once in.
It is a cold place to be, very lonely.
I try, I try, I try, I don't try, do I?
Wish things stayed the same throughout these years, to never change
to always have the same settings, thoughts, and people by my side
I miss every memory, I miss every person, I miss every feeling.
Growing older but, I feel lonelier and lonelier by the second,
and I am unsatisfied with it.
I want you back and everything that came along with it,
I want Past back, come here and lay with me because these days seem
to go by too fast

Jan 19, 2009

caught in a rut

dug myself in a ditch, how do I get out.
Get me out of this place And let my mind escape,
never seem to stray away far from these thoughts that turn in to a normality for me
wished they were gone, dead, along with the memories I had to kill
this cold gets the best of me in these situations.
I am ready for a new semester, spring, and balance

I just can't let my mind wander for long, I know where it takes me

Jan 15, 2009

I once was content,


Only some days I do fine, only some days I am well. I have to keep striving, and keep pushing, for just what it is I want. My life is disorganized, everything in it. My plans, my goals, my settings, me. I try to be more in order with everything, but it is just not who I am. I don't live to be perfect, I live to do what makes me happy.

I think I will be Okay.

Jan 12, 2009

these winter months are cold,

I shiver in my sleep, and wake with no rest at all.
I wish school disappeared, and sometimes I wish I did as well.
Overwhelmed by what ifs, and the past, just doesn't help my situation at all,
actually, it makes it ten times worse.

Awkward walk by's, and eye contact that I don't try to create, just happens.
Although, at least we get a sense that we both exist.

-I wish spring would come sooner, because than I would know summer would be just around the bend. My creativity has been dead. I want a new camera, but because I am quitting my job this week, that won't happen for a long time. I just wish I had my license already.
The school dance is coming up, and I am unsure If I want to go. Last year I had a pretty shitty time, I am wondering if I can find something better to do.
This weekend was too funny. Friday, I was with a bunch of people at all different times. Now, Saturday, that is a completely different story. Is there any much worse I can make a fool of myself? I need to know my limitations before I go to far. I suck. Sunday, was an absolutely bore. napped for a while, than Mom visited. It was a saddening time, and her emotions got the best of her. I wish she could get to what she wants, and reach out and just grab it. But, that is too hard.
Greg is here. Barely talk face to face with him. Losing contact day by day, all because of who knows what. Friends are friends, but they don't stay friends forever, now do they? Learning to build a tolerance for these sort of things. To go ahead and not let it get the best of me, because I know what I want to do and how I am going to do it. All I need to do is walk straight, chin up, and with a smile, knowing Everything is going to be fine.
I just think time goes by too fast to recognize what your doing with all these moments.

Jan 3, 2009


Absolutely no where to go.

I am cold and I am tired and I am lonely.
Wish I could find someone for me, wish they would come knocking at my door. I screw up every chance and make mistakes left and right. I am not asking for perfection, but I just wish I understood what I wanted and where I am supposed to go.

Nothing is ever good enough and when it is, it is gone in a matter of time. I conclude I live alone in solitude because I can't accept your opinions. I need a change but changing is too difficult. I try and try and try and I stay in the same place.

Day by day, my mind processes nothing but my selfish opinions and what a waste of time everything is. I want someone to find me and realize I am worth their time. I wish I didn't have this built up anger and animosity towards everyone, but this image of perfection is in my head. I need to start from scratch.

Desperation is a difficult emotion and a bad position to put yourself in, but when you look and try so hard and don't get where you need to go, you want just about anything.

I just want comfort, companion, and love. That is all I am asking for. Come find me.