:|

My writing has gone to shit, I guess internet blogging doesn't thrill me as much as pens and paper do.

.I am looking for my creativity again and hoping I find it somewhere in my bones, and that lack of time isn't a complication for me.
.Really Proud of who I am and really Proud of my friends
.Pumped on my life, excited for my future.
.Happy I am finally earning the money That I have been yearning for so long..
.I feel distant from my Father and Mother, but I think it's okay
.Just wanting a good time, going with the flow of things, everything is fine
.I am not a hopeless anymore, I think I am content with my status, for now
.The past is something I rarely think about, I am just looking in to the future, Constantly
.Life is so good to me, I love these Autumn months
.I don't mind working On Halloween
.I don't mind anything.

......

dead since then,
working my way back,
quitting something,
gaining another thing,
don't worryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

feeling lost

feeling real fucking lost in this cold place I call home and feel really fucking lonely with the heart I have. I can't be doing what I keep on doing, I am scared for myself, I am scared to be this lonely I am scared to have nobody..I am scared

I want to have it all I want to be normal I dont want to keep falling back on people and I want to be good and steady and be okay, but I cant be I am a fucking handful I vent I smoke I drink Im belligerent I am unsteady Im not okay, I am lonely

I want to be okay, I want to be okay, I want to write and be okay.

I dont know what to do, I dont know where im going, nor who it is i want to be
lost again and again and again and again

get belligerent

not a good idea, time to pause because when I woke up I forgot where I was and what had happened and who even arrived.

I just feel lost with it, and I feel stupid, and I don't want to feel this way.

uhm

W
HE
RE

TH
E

FU
CK

IS

M
Y

FI
ND
IN
Gs?

its dead dead DEAD dead dead dead like these bugs you keep killing that somehow get back inside although it seems impossible when all the doors and windows are shut tight.

*************
A word of notice: I am just looking for someone new, completely new, someone I have never met before or seen, someones face that is fresh, as well as their humor and their clothing and them in general because I'm done not doing anything about anything because I need to chase after something that I want and now I want it and now I want something that is new to me and I want that comfort and that awkwardness and that feeling. There.

body

my body is a series of hinges all working together
there is my insides and my outsides
as of now, i'm exerting a million degrees
my cheeks are flushed pink
these hinges are barely working
and my muscles are all aching
im to slow to care
about
anything
right now
sleep
sounds so
good

IthoughtIbecameLost

Just as I always do, it must have hit me again on the car ride home. The sun created a back light on my surrounding caused it all to turn black, and I thought maybe I have a chance, so I drove to the lake. I walked to the shore and looked to the west and there were bits and pieces of the sun still shining and reflecting on the waters. I thought I became lost, but seeing this may have helped find me....

its almost all over I keep telling myself. I tell myself its going to be alright, you have yourself, you're fine. the undisputed advice from others never leaves me questioning them, but questioning only myself on why i seem to torture myself with thoughts that can break me. it is almost done.


its like a bird in a cage. the birds trapped for so long you'd think it would go mad, so when you finally let it free, it does. but, going mad isn't terrible, actually i think its worth it. now, that cage is the only thing blocking me at this point, i know i can let myself out if i really wanted too. its time for me to exit, and get fucking free

Pizza

Pizza on a Thursday night, after a drive home it feels good to be comfortable in this chair.
Doing homework with odd thoughts in the back of my head.
The lonely feeling that eventually fades, the annoyed feeling but its only temporary, the good feeling knowing I have them, the ones that care, the sick feeling like I'm coming down with something.

It's all good Right NOW.


Milwaukee tomorrow, haunted house saturday night, brown hair, so looking forward to this weekend and my home away from home.

>ME

I'm an arrogant piece of shit that holds her head high above everyone else and puts on a face like I don't care about one thing in this entire world besides myself. It's cruel.







Sincerity.
I need to find some of that

fabulous

I run, I am lucky, I feel alright.
How I seem to avoid the annoyances and how I am at the right place at the right time,
how does it work, tell me how I am strong enough to swat at these flies and keep a hold of my
heart and occupy my mind with true thought..

so many people odd and out I have gained and lost, people much older much younger all come together in my life how do I recognize them all and they recognize me.

I LOVE MY LIFE

I LOVE MY FRIENDS, I LOVE MY MISTAKES AND BAGGAGE, I LOVE MY BAD HABITS, I LOVE WHO I AM, I LOVE WHERE I AM, I LOVE EVERYTHING, The Hangovers and The pain and The laughs and The bruises and The paranoia and The want, I LOVE IT ALL, I LOVE the Tears and The Vulnerability and The Learning and The Moment, I LOVE THIS LIFE OF MINE

VULNERABILITY

You put me in to a position I can hardly describe. You not only vent to me, but seem to want as much information and advice I can fill you with. You don't listen, you are trapped in your own cage. You aren't struggling, you choose to sit there in your depression safe where no one can bother you. Come on, save yourself, you can be free I keep telling you. You are weighed down, more and more keeps getting put on you. You keep convincing yourself you messed up, you did wrong. I want you to know you never did anything wrong. You are a great person in my life, it makes me feel scared to see you so vulnerable. You need Hope, I wish you could see. I don't pity you anymore, I don't give you sympathy, I want you to see for yourself what I see. Please, wake up and see the sky. See your family, see your friends, and see your life. Being like this will never have been worth it. You still have so much to live for, everyone cares. You want everyone to know you want the pity and the sorrow and the help, but the only person who can save you is yourself. What more do I need to do, every day is a repeated pattern, were running in circles. Please, fix yourself you are completely broken, both of them are completely broken.

Who do I have nowadays, who can I count on, who will be there. I know I have myself, I know I am okay, I worry though. Not to pity myself, but ultimately worry because I don't want to change. Everything is changing, I don't know what it will be like from 1-2-3 years from now. Where will you be, where will she be, where will I be.

I seem selfish, I am only worrying about me here. But take a look at this situation, what am I to do, what I am supposed to do when I am the inferior here.

So nice

sitting here, calm, relaxed, no worries
every once in a while my heart feels like its skipping
every once in a while my mind floats
I am so comfortable here, in my skin

I don't ever want this feeling to fade
How nice it is to feel need and feel filled
It can't last forever.

fears

Fear or water, fear of darkness, fears and more fears
The ultimate fear: Lonliness.

>We all feel it, even if you deny it. It comes at night when your by yourself sitting in your bed. Your lazy to turn off the light, your lazy to write it off, it comes and your eyes see it. You don't want to, you don't have to, but you do..
>It wraps your mind, intertwines a mix of emotions. It shows you your best and worst, it shows you all you've lost. You forget all you've gained, your to selfish to see.
>You want it all back, how it was. You want people back. You want 'them' back.
>You want 'him' back.

All you can see is one image, one picture, of how you are alone. That there is nobody to hold on to, nobody worth it. There is nobody that can make you feel good. There is no one genuine. You are alone, you are in solitude, you are all by yourself. Forever..

This is what I'm afraid of. This is what I feel. This is how I see. This is what is going to happen. This is now. This is later. I want to save myself, I can't feel lonely. I can't.
There is more than what it was/ what it is.





Take a breath. In. Out.
You are not alone.
You will not be alone forever.
This is temporary.
Your filling up with empty spaces.
You are fine.
You are filling up with lost feelings.
You are fine.
It's gone now.