Jun 29, 2011
First of all I'm fucking crying and I'm fucking angry. At this point in my life, I feel so dismembered....where did I go? Where did my motivations run too? My grandparents, I never see them....my mom.....never see her......I'm a piece of shit and I cannot do this anymore. I can't let myself believe I don't deserve a good life. I can't let myself believe I can't be loved. I don't get why my mind works this way, why I must feel suffering. Is it because of my potential, the potential buried under my skin that seems to be lost? I can't take this anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. My brain never stops mutilating every decision/course of action that I do. I'm in disgust. At this moment, I can honestly say I hate myself.
standing in the sun but I feel so cold.
all I know is I wish I had somebody to hold.
I'm icy like last December,
all I can do is remember.
I feel like I'm four,
watching my mom walk right out the door,
shivering in this heat,
I feel like I've been beat.
the ice is running thin,
cracking, about to break with every sin.
When I look up,
I ask God, "Do you even give a fuck?"
because I want the cold to go away
I want to enjoy this sunny day
but I just can't