Feb 25, 2009

give me an amen,

your on the same page as me, I bet you are.
The page that is blank, the page that wants to be turned,
the page that lost its words...

I want to be a new page. I want lots of words. I can turn, I can tear, I can become an airplane, I want to become a swan, or how about a box, or make me a fan. I want all of this, and it is all here.

I have the materials, I have me, so now it is time to put these words in to action (which never results in how I would really want it to.)

I guess I just wish I had that power. To change completely in to what I would like. No one is holding us back, we do as we wish. It is our brain, and lungs, and liver, and hearts. Shouldn't we do as we please? What makes us happy?

So that is what I strive to do. Or, striving.

On another note, how about them envious people? Like, per say, Me?
It is a horrible thing, to be jealous. I can be all I can be, so I wouldn't have to be jealous. But, there is always that one thing that is holding us back from it all, and you can never get a hint of what it really is because it is too close to count and to little to matter. But, some days I feel like I found it. Found out what really makes me have that envious taste in my mouth, and it is because I wish too much. I wish for all the world, I wish for the past and for people, and wishing doesn't do anything. You have got to do something to do it. And that may be the answer to my quest of the roots of my envy. But, who all really knows, you know? I can live I can breathe I can speak without this all weighing me down. And I know I can, it has always been alive within me.

Feb 19, 2009

on and on and on

When will truly learn the lesson and when will the failing end?
We follow our hearts and never seem to do what our conscious tells us too
I remember when I followed myself, and it seems my mind takes control these days, over analyzing everything, past, present, future.
Where did the moment go, please tell me where it went.
Too caught up in everything that doesn't revolve anymore, too much time spent on things that never exist, it is like I'm here but pieces are lost, forever
But when will the pieces rebuild? Is this something I must do myself? Pick it all up again from the beginning. 'Time runs through our veins' It is the only thing I seem to know. But when will people know when to stop. Stop running back to the same old things that never work, that never do them any good, all the negatives seem to rise up above the positives, but yet, we run back to it all. It is habitual, it is us, we are fleeing from our minds, following the only path we know. Someday, it has got to stop. Someday, it will stop, but just try, try from within and you can do it. Wish we were kids again, doing nothing but taking it all in, life changing choices didn't exist, our minds seemed underdeveloped, and our faces seemed so pleasant. If only we stayed the same throughout life and made the decisions that would prove us to be the strong people we want to be

Feb 16, 2009

All the things I've never done

Sitting here, with discomfort, I realize that I need to start doing something more productive. Why would I rather sit and type on this computer, which doesn't fill my satisfaction, when I could be walking my dog, cleaning my room, taking pictures, creating something, doing something worth my time...

This isn't good, Sarah, it really isn't.

There is so much to explore in the world, and even millions of things to explore about yourself. I need to learn how to be more productive with my time and do something meaningful.

Aghh, that discomfort is coming back to me, it's time to go

Feb 14, 2009


When the worst of situations arrives
you have to accept it, piece by piece.
But, learning to accept something is much greater
then being able to block it out

You can't block something out forever.

This will be the hardest thing I have come across in my life

Feb 12, 2009

I'm already alone

Thinking back, thinking now, it was you all along..
Can't expand other then what I have already seen,
what I have already done

Wish I could be them, so I wouldn't have to sit alone
I think and think and this is the only thing I have come up with
How pathetic I am, to not be able to pursue what I want.

I am scared of rejection, I am scared of regret, but most of all
I am scared to be happy again.

Was that really it, was it the thing that made me happy?
Or did it make me feel worthless in the long run.

I just want everything back.
I want myself, my childhood, my old friends, my memories to grasp
I just want it all, why can't I reach out, and touch it with the tips of my fingers?

It seems too far away now, but It is too hard to let it all pass over.
Things don't die forever, something will always remain no matter what it may be

Feb 8, 2009

baby, baby

At a standstill, constantly.

To you all, I will never be good enough
I lack in certain areas that seem important to you.
I have missing pieces to me, my brain isn't screwed on right
and my mouth opens and closes as my tongue motions the words that
no one is satisfied by. I don't know what it is, I don't know how to say it.
I know that sometimes I say the wrong things without
putting any thoughts into it first,
but I just wish you could have hope in me

I know I am a good friend, but why can't you just be the same to me?
I am always second best compared to everything, something has always been better
than me. And I am done with it all. There is a sense of independence starting to form which has never been there. It feels good knowing I am done relying on you for your words, and that means it is time to hold things in. Shutting people out from the things they don't need to know about me makes me feel secure. After all the mistakes I have made, I am surprised I am not that independent yet. Something internal is creeping out of my bones, and is telling me to stop the effort with some of you because none of this matters when you let me down. If we could all just be good, good friends to one another, none of these things would have to happen, but when you act the certain way you do and do the certain things which make me feel shitty, tough times call for certain measures.


Some of you wonder why I change my mind so easy and fall right back in to place over time, but change is the thing that attracts me. It pulls me in, and I can't escape it. I just search for new things that can bring me to new situations, and new laughs and new people. This life has so many opportunities and I seem to seek every one. When you don't experience anything other then what you have been used to, you feel empty. You seem to decay to a certain point where you don't know what to do next. I am doing this for me, and only me I wish you could understand. I don't want it to affect any of you and make you feel worthless or unwanted, but I want it all. I want everything this life brings me, and you should be the same way