I hate that I am used, that I use you too, I hate that I am alone, but at the same time I love how I am so happy. I hate that I don't know what to say, to make you want me, but I love that I am what I am, and I don't care who walks out my life. I hate that I haven't heard I Love You, but I love that I am smart, and I love that I feel wise. I hate that I feel awkward and my words tumble, but I love that I smile so big and so bright. I love that I am okay, I love that I don't absolutely need anything, but I hate that I do everything, everything I probably shouldn't do, but I love It, I love me.

I need this now

"CAUSE YOU'VE GOT ME ON MY KNEES, AND RIGHT ABOUT NOW I'M BEGGING YOU PLEASE I KNOW YOU WON'T CAUSE YOU'VE GOT NEEDS. AND EVERYTHING STOPS WHEN EVERYONE WANTS, WE ALL NEED THINGS. AND RIGHT ABOUT NOW I'M ON MY KNEES."























need want
motivation loss
crippling
dieing
disease
lust
addiction
fear
confide
release
release
release
gone...

BLAH

in ten minutes I will be seventeen




what the fuck? Where did my life go?
I remember when I was four visiting my mom at her old apartment. I remember my old house, the time my brother threw our cat Lucky at my face, leaving a scar on me. Playing in our yard that always looked like it stretched for miles. I remember how close I was with my cousins, making home videos, forts, bouncing on trampolines, playing in sprinklers, lighting fireworks. I remember moving in to our house we have now. I remember middle school, when everyone was friends. Growing up, things change. Eighth grade I was trying to find a way to be cool, trying to fit in with a social scene that was unusual for me. changing the way I dressed and acted and my morals. The kids I was friends with then, well, they never seem to change.

Highschool hit me hard. I was pumped and ready. Then, after a while, you get used to it, its a bunch of bullshit. its easy to slide right through, and the days seem to be always the same.



Seeing myself and looking at my past, I have changed in so many ways I could only explain them if you asked. this new age and new year it will bring, I want to truly find steady friends, I do not want to stand or tolerate you if you don't have any sort of gain for me, I do not need you then. This is my life I am finally figuring out. I am me. I dress a certain way, write a certain way, dream a certain way, and my past is a certain way.

There is only one of me, ever to walk this planet, so as far as I am concerned as long as I am happy it is all that matters.


Much love, <3

COMPILATION OF HAPPY

confused.

sometimes I get a little impatient looking at all these good things in the lives of others, and sometimes I feel a little abandoned. I wonder why I don't get what I want when I feel so deserving, sometimes I fall flat on my face. And then sometimes I pick myself right up and I put a smile on and laugh. There's gaps in my life, where the sadness and desertion fit perfectly in, and I always tell myself it's going to be okay. Cause I am young, and I know there is always something that is going to be new, something to pull me through.


I wished for the past nights that I wouldn't be so lonely that I wouldn't be so cold that I wouldn't be so disconnected, but a wish never comes true unless you act upon it. I am done, sick and tired, for waiting for it to appear on my doorstep, an action is all it takes. A necessary spark is lurking somewhere in the future of my life, in this life I call my own, and its buried somewhere and all I have to do is find it, and light it.


I can't stay hopeless, I can't. I have the drive I need I have ambition that won't ever die, because when I set my mind to something, I will try my hardest to make it happen.

here today. gone tomorrow.

so many thoughts right now...

it feels like each day is the same, feels like a part of myself is missing, I am trying to fill it with every need I feel. But, nothing fills it, it still remains gone. I keep asking myself when this hole will be replaced, I keep wondering how it is I will feel satisfied, what do I need?

Need and want, it consumes everybody. We all want things, but do we need them?
Eventually, your life hits you so hard, your sitting there wondering why you are taking these hits, why you're taking these shots, why your smoking these cigarettes, is it because this feels right? It feels good right now. We are young, our lives are passing by so fast. This is fun to us..but one day, when that day is right, sober and life, go hand in hand, cause substance is substance its only that, its not a part of anyone, it does not fill gaps or holes..it is not a missing puzzle piece...

One day I am going to take a stand, its not hard but right now, it feels normal...

The only way to fill that hole I seem to have is my dreams, that hole is my future, I wish I could reach out and feel it, feel everything in twenty years from now, where the fuck am I going to be, who will be there for me, and who is going to be there to love me, and who isn't? Who won't be there, who dropped me, who the fuck did I drop to get where I want to be?

These people in my life, some of them, they are diminishing, they are slowly fading off the map, I seem smarter and wiser, I seem to play everything off, but deep down, do I know whats best for me? Do I know when to stop loving somebody? Do I know when to stop caring? I hold on to every moment, and then that moments gone..all I have is that point in time where I can always look back at....






every day I examine myself, who the fuck am I? who am I trying to prove? I am only trying to prove something to myself...prove that even though I am alone, even though my mother has never really been a mother to me the woman that is broke whom I barely get to see, the father that remains distant the man that is blind who doesn't understand anything about me, and that my friends fill the space from time to time, even that I am alone I can try the least bit to understand myself cause it seems like no one else can understand me, who has the guts to even try?

This isn't a cry for help, this is a cry for something NEW

CHAIN ME

feel like breaking down, breaking apart every piece of my life, never happy never happy, fucked over, sad, alone, here I am, shit, lost in this house, my mind buried under my pillow, my future seems so little, so far away, and now I am stuck in the now, I want to get out of here I want to go far away, I want somebody to hold, I am sick of being alone I am sick of hanging out with these fucking people I am sick of sick



I AM SICK OF THIS

its nuts up here in the den..

So there I am, I am looking out down the road, the road to nowhere the road to a house with a comfortable bed and blank walls and a ceiling, high ceilings, so all my wildest dreams can fit.. I see myself standing in the door way, looking out across a skyline full of buildings tall buildings and an ocean, so close it feels, the wind brushing my cheeks and the sunlight slowly falling asleep, I can feel her on my shoulders. My heart feels warm, I feel happy, I turn inside to greet my husband, a hansom man, a perfectly imperfect man, supporting me as I support him, and a child, a newborn baby, set in her crib. I glance out the window to the sun and the skyline and the buildings one more time, and a tear falls slowly swimming down my face. My life feels complete, my life feels full, I am satisfied..





















CHASE AFTER DREAMS CHASE AFTER WHO YOU ARE CHASE AFTER WHAT YOU WANT TO BECOME, ONE LIFE, THIS IS ALL YOU GET, DO AS YOU PLEASE, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, THATS ALL THAT MATTERS.

YOU"RE THE GOOD THINGS....ssss

passing by so fast so fast never seeming to slow down, change is always at my door step, my mind wanders daydreams back to the past to the future to what if what if, but never will, a seed laid in my mind forever growing tall and wild, never knowing what it is exactly what I want, but on this fine evening, comfort was driving on the highway with a sky lit with fireworks on both sides of the road almost brightening up my life and the rain pattered on my windshield and I felt at ease. What a fine summer this has been thus far, many days remain, everything is never the same, there is always a new day that lies ahead