UNTITLED

WAIT FOR ME HERE, I'LL FIND A HOME















it seems every day is another day to take a step forward, to learn more, to experience more, to forget more, to forgive more, to live more, and to die more. each day, I am thankful, I am giving, I am happy, I am trying to not let things get to me and I am doing a terrific job, nothing bothers me that much anymore because I'm not dead, I am not dead yet and that's all that matters anymore

Tell me what you're runnin from

Just the parents in my life that seem meaningless that seem like they are just THERE, not individuals I connect with, I say I love them cos they are my parents, thats it thats all, right?
I got a boy in my line of sight that never seems to leave. I seem him times here and there, I light up every time I do, I get a little nervous, and I get a big smile. I want to make something of it still I keep telling myself, still. A brother pawned in to my fathers job, a brother that is missing out on the summer with friends working all the time, almost every day. Friends that satisfy me here and there, and new faces sprinkled in the routine, it keeps me happy, it keeps me sane. Everyone seems to block themselves, we all escape from reality in a certain way, to escape the routines our lives have, to escape the youth we really have, to escape the thought of death someday, and to leave our past behind. But, a past is what creates a person, the lessons they learn, it makes them who they are as the future progresses, and past is a beautiful thing. To hear words from men and women with years of life they have had seems inspiring, also I am inspired to create a life of my own, to prove to myself I am of worth and to prove I can be happy, unlike most I know. Its the summer of 2010, I am sixteen, turning seventeen in exactly one month, one month, I don't know what my future is going to bring, but I am bright shining life and inspiration on everyone and I know I can achieve what I am looking for.

Well

Doing so well so well so well so well so well
amazing amazing amazing
not making mistakes, living high and well, always with wonderful people, seeing old faces now and than, sleeping well, having the time of my life

A Novel

Here I am on a Saturday night, first Saturday night of the summer in fact, sitting alone, alone here I am. I could be wishing a cute boy happy birthday in the city, I could be with a great group of people enjoying a fire, enjoying golf carts on a summer night. This is stupid.

My dad acts like he can control me. Has he not known that my life has already been corrupted? By making me stay home and chaining me down, this won't change who I am and the decisions I make. Its bullshit.

I never get to see my mom. She seems to have disappeared, its sad. I feel lonely, this is not a good start to summer. I want a love in my life, I want something new, I want to try something different. Same old faces, same old things, and here I am, alone.

This always seems to find me, thinking about the past, thinking about now and how everything sucks sometimes. Everything hits you so hard all at once. I am not crying tonight, I don't feel like crying, nor do I expect to cry.

I don't think I need to be home, I don't think I would make any wrong decisions if I were to have stayed out. Drinking and smoking, whats the big deal. Tell me? Please?

I want to fucking live Pops, don't you get it? I want to enjoy my fucking years as a teenager, I want to so bad. BUllSHit, I want to be on my own. I want to move away far far away from everyone. Everyone that I resent so badly for there lives.

So much Anger, but I am on a cloud, flying high

I look at you in disgust, you are nothing to me, you are lower than me, you are not my friend, I give you no respect. You do not believe in me, you swore I will be going nowhere with my life, you think I cannot acheive greatness and you were my so called best friend. You are a hypocrite, you are nothing, you are a self centered little girl losing herself. You don't know where you stand and your words make no sense no matter how much you think you are right. You will never prove another point to me because I will never back down. So much for all these years, I always knew you would be left in the dirt, after all the times you chased the same boys after me, after all the times you tried to lead me, to try and be the alpha dog, to try and always be right over me, to try and be better, because your ego blasts higher than the roof. I can honestly say I have more respect for your Father, the man who has dealt with you for seventeen years, and still loves you. Props to him.

I am fine if you were wondering, I am okay with all of this, its been a build up, and to finally cut the strings that had been weighing me down with you on the end of them is amazing. No more looking at you trying to make you feel wanted or like you were the best in the room, I have a print of you, I am keeping it, to always remember you, you look vulnerable looking in to the sky, and you are, your a vulnerable little girl and I am not scared of you.

Respect goes both ways. You talk like that and I am straight out of the damn picture.

WOULD YOU RATHER ME KILL MYSELF?

rather than letting me out late, then enjoying my fucking life, my youth at its finest, you protect me, just at home, more vulnerable to my thoughts killing me inside, because you PROTECTED me, fuck off fuck you fuck you, Take care of her shes only 16 she can't drink she can't stay out late she has to be home or she might die, well you know what, I am more vulnerable to killing myself staying at home on this friday night where I was just at a friends house enjoying my life enjoying my youth, so here I am, at home, alone, where silence is noise, and the noise is the silence, fuck home, fuck you

GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

First off, I am done giving a fuck fuck fuck. There is so much going on in my fucking life right now. I am fucking sixteen years old. My Mother is fucking dead, my father is fucking dead. Everything they get handed, they are never fucking satisfied. I can't be them. I get tossed the fuck out, I get lost, I am at the lowest low. I am underneath all of you at this point. I can't fucking stand any of you, don't fucking care anymore, grow the fuck up stop talking about me stop acting like you're better than me I don't give a fuck if you don't like the life I live, if you don't get any gain from me, than throw me on the fucking side of the road like everyone else has, I find what I want, I do what I fucking want, and so be it. Fuck off and fucking die, fuck you. All these fucking companionships I have made over these fucking years, everyone fucking sucks, fuck fuck fuck you. Don't fuck with my business, don't even fuck with me, I have had it up to here, up to the fucking sky with people's fucking bullshit, fuck you and fuck you. I am sixteen going on twenty five. Everyones fucking shit piled on me, my mothers fucking life shattered to fucking pieces at this point, my fathers fucking bullshit, my friends fucking immaturity, everything is surrounding me at this point and I am backed into a fucking corner putting my guard up, kicking you fucking out if you're going to never trust me, if you're not going to look in to my fucking soul and you're not going to see ME, for ME, and you're going to act like I don't matter, that all there is IS YOU, and you're going to assume the slightest little thing about me, fuck off, I don't give a fuck anymore.

Everything I do, the way that I am, its all because of the way I have grown up, its the way I have become. So fuck them all, the ones who have left me, the ones who are fucked up, the ones who don't have any genuinity in them. I have a past, I have now, and I got the future. My mind is fucking set. So fuck off if you're not going to have any GAIN, if you're fucked up, get the fuck out.

TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW