season

I woke up this morning and its getting so chilly, but I love autumn so much
I'm feeling alright, my body knows I'm neglecting it
I want to bike around the lake today
could you imagine,
around the whole lake,
Lake Michigan?
What an accomplishment on a fine fall day like today
Nah, that is unrealistic
I want to get a warm cup of coffee and sit wearing a sweater and hat
I want to have long talks and conversations
I want the leaves to fall
.................

No matter

how much I want it all, to hold it again close
I'm fine.


I am just fine

It's these few long hours that make me what I am

I want to be 13, 14, even 15
I'm only getting older
The past is the past, it will always be in the past

: |

nothing at all, nothing to do, nothing to see, nowhere to go
............................................................
























I just want it back, take me back 4 years ago

It's not fair

To be completely happy I keep searching and searching
and when I feel like giving up, I think back
I think of how things used to be and how I really truly felt happy
How I was fine with where I was and who was with me and all that occupied my mind
How I felt comfortable but still felt uneasy in my stomach
How I felt a connection, a true connection
I wonder if its still there.
I wonder if people's mindsets change and lead in to different directions from all that they hear. The stories you hear and rumors and tales. I'm embarrassed, not for being me, but for the few things I have done to change your minds. I'm really only searching and searching, but I'm close to giving up. I'm trying to patch up my past and lead it in to my future, its impossible. Nothing is what it was before.

Songs

"Tonight I'm gonna take a test to grow up. So I'm sorry for the things I've done to everyone.It's not your face I can't tell. But I try to be this way. It's my own."
||||||||||
"I sink into the wall, and staring up i saw I'm alone in all my thoughts,too afraid to be crazy i run. It always finds me driving right through town, With the windows down i fly. Its the feeling spring has brought, but an eye for the winter's what i got. It always finds me...

So tonight,when i left here,
All i said was goodbye and that's alright,
No "I'll see you later", I've been trying my whole life,
And if its an eye for an eye why cant I get this right,
I'm too slow to go fast,
I'm too nervous to do that,
So I run, run away why should I...

I take my chances slow. After all it's no one's fault, but the pain seems to crave my life. So ashamed of my weakness I lie. It always finds me..."
||||||||||
"Time goes by, and we watch our lives, as they're sadly slipping away. Alone, we cry."
||||||||||

An Oak Tree Stands Beside A Linden - I Can Make A Mess Like Nobodys Business
||||||||||||||
"Now walk through the door, the same one you came in, so we can go back, to how things used to be."
||||||||||||||

All day long,
these songs shape me

Handful

In this Life, I will meet so many people. Children, mothers, daughters, sons, fathers, cousins, kids like me. I wonder though, how many will I connect with, and will truly stay by my side. I'm growing each day and realizing your only going to have a handful of people in your life that don't suck, that are awesome, that are there when you need them. I know, times can be tough, but they are the ones who stick with you, or they are the ones who understand your situation, who have been where you have been, and they are the ones I love, so much. I am not going to put up with kids that aren't worth my time that I don't get a long with, who don't mean shit to me. There gone, out, in a second.

that's right.
Friends, they are the fucking foundation of my life.

ReLaXXXXX

sitting on carpet
eyes half awake
feeling content
away
south milwaukee
warm nights
making my mom happy
no friends here
lake michigan
cars speed past
peter,
bjorn,
john,
eastside tomorrow
bikes
beach
lake michigan
best friend
happiness
always, happiness
do what makes yourself happy
yes
need to shower
butt hurts
soft light
grandma
dolls
sleep, no
sleep, yes?
no
draw
write
blog blog
facebook
myspace?
naw
drivers test
fail first
pass second?
schools coming
no
no
no
sticking cool
party harty
finding the one
no rush
sticking cool.
outrageousness
laugh until I cry
laugh until I pee
laugh until I can't breathe
almost fights
spitting in faces
sleeping outside in milwaukee
cousins
brother
parents
poolside
beachside
lakeside
southside
milwaukee


Here I am, here is me,
here is my thoughts, one x one x one x one,
after another, after another, here it is right now,
in this very moment.

Content

Oddly enough...
I wrote a letter last night and set it out to him.
I'm feeling like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
No more constant nagging from the ones who had claim to always be by my side.
No more of that jealousy vibe thickening the air.
It's just me, in my life, in my shoes, it's all that counts, and it will always be what counts.

Shit

If that is what I deserve then fuck you, its not
...................................

what goes around comes around
It always does

It doesn't make me.

I have thought about it, this entire day...
that, those who leave my side for the most unnecessary reasons, can go as they please

My life is going to be full of people that come and go. But, when people are fighting their own battles and seem to get caught up in mine as well; how does that even give them a right to leave? I need to know what I'm doing, I don't need to know your business. But, to judge a friend and willingly leave on something that has nothing to do with being a roadblock on a friendship is the worst thing a friend can do. So, I would be fine with whoever wants to take that step, the one right out the door.

What you do is what you do. When we have a history and I care for you, I am not going to judge you for something that's not worth my care and leave on selfish terms.

It's not fair, no ones perfect, I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I'm just making choices and creating opportunities for myself.

I have absolutely no need for people who do not believe in me as a person, to belong in my life.

lost

Completely turning in to something I had never wanted to be.
After you, I seemed to have lost myself.
Where am I going?
Something good was there and I ruined it
I know I'm going to get different looks
this is not something I need to do to be happy, its really not
I need coffee and someone to talk to right now
I'm completely ignorant and need to figure my shit out
I really have to.
If it goes beyond this, then what?
I don't want to lose friends, I already have lost some
I hope more don't leave

Niche

Its an everyday thing
Sometimes I feel withdrawals
Sometimes I feel sad
Sometimes I feel so happy
Sometimes I feel the same.

I love just, being.
I love it when the things that pass me by don't even matter
When my mind goes a million miles a minute
When music can never ever get too loud
Or when I'm just happy to be wherever I am.

Life is soooo gooood right now,
I love it when It goes slow.

I'm going to sleep for 5 years

I'm going to sleep on the thought of happiness
Because...
I shared a beautiful day with beautiful people.
That I'm finally receiving what I have always wanted, for all those times I have been down.
I am a good person and finally realizing myself.
That summer is still in the air, I have one more month left before my Junior year.
I'm growing more and more independent as the days go on, soon to have a job.

I'm going to sleep on the thought of confusion
Because...
Some people make me think twice.
I'm not sure what I really want right now.

There's more to be happy about nowadays.
I can't let anything get me down.
I'm high as a bird.
And I can't wait for another day, tomorrow.

Spit

Yeah yeah your anger and hatred fuels mine
I am growing taller then trees and I am ready to fucking cut some down
Bigger, better, smarter, funnier
Reverse it.
You miscounted, forgot to aim, I'm not your fucking target
But you hit a bulls eye, right?
So predictable, so likely, so I'm sitting back and watching it all
No time for feeling like this
I wanna be on top of the world
I'm ready to get there
Never was anything good was it,
Just seemed to pass me at a faster speed.
Whatever, now is now, words aren't anything
To young to come face to face,
I would spit
Nothing but air and bones
Shit don't mean anything.
Hope you can grow to what you claim to be...

the chills

At such a high point in my life right now,
I am feeling so low and hurt.

I should be happy, I finally feel like I found myself.
Figured out who I am and what I want to be right now.
But, for some odd reason, there is this thickening drape of being discontent wrapping around me...

Is it because I want something that I will never have? Or I think the thought of old friends and old memories is haunting me again. (THE PAST THE PAST THE PAST)

-It won't ever leave. Why is this bugging me now?

Right now, I have my life on track, I'm independent, I am trying.
I want something more though.
I need to take life slow, I think I am just getting to caught up with everything.
I need: LOOSE LEAF AND A PENCIL.

Now, now
Good bye online blog

Mouse.

I guess I don't enjoy the chase.
I think I enjoy being chased.
Thats all.