Dec 30, 2009

just a bit of happiness

something that barely skimmed my shoulder that was just passing through.
it's like an eternal smile stretched ear to ear across my face.
it's as if I don't care about anything or anyone, I just want to lay on some covers
and watch more Weeds, because I can, and I don't ever need to justify myself,
Oh, Inspiration is around every corner, I have been loving my life lately,

Love You.
(I feel at ease)

Dec 25, 2009


A notion, a phrase, a sentence, a gesture,
Who knew a person can be so selfish, and be rude, and immature as they are,
I never knew my own blood could be so harmful to my mother,
for making her cry Christmas day,
making me cry,
because I never get to see her, because I care for her more then the world,
because I know she didnt get her fair shot in life.
I wish he could take it back all that he said, but I know he doesn't have a care.

december 074


Dec 24, 2009

'lost in a sea of focus'

Going crazy, reading words and I become them, I want to become someone, something else then what I am. I feel like my head is pounding, I feel lonely in this household set by the lake, I can hear Lake Michigan crashing against the shore and the wind screaming through the trees.

The puddles soak into my boots and all of me becomes numb this christmas eve, there is no sadness no happiness. The cigarettes aren't my friends, they make my mind run, run too fast for my body to keep up.

My bank account seems to be running low, my work hours are diminishing, is money the only thing that matters? My lungs seem to work to fast, my head aches, are cigarrettes keeping me sane anymore, whats the point? The alcohol is a bore, the parties lead to nothing but regrets, and I'm not sure what it is im wanting.

I need to find a way out, I need to find something to keep me in a line, to remain steady and normal. Normal, yes, normal is what I need, because this abnormality keeps striking me and my heart is drowned in the deep end, and something is taking it down in a choke hold.........

Dec 23, 2009

Have you ever...

heard a voice so sweet? One that melts passing through your ears, one you feel so connected to like its the most pleasing thing you will ever hear,

if you haven't, I suggest you find it, because it will make you so happy.

I've cried listening to a voice sing.

Dec 21, 2009


So I heard a man say,
"I don't think you NEED someone to be happy, you gotta learn to be happy on your own, and then find someone that fits perfectly in to the equation"

well, it wasn't exactly what he said...but along those lines.
I AGREE with this statement with all due respect,
because of the fact that so many people become attached to another,
they becomes there floppy, annoying, limbs dangling there..
But, I think you should HAVE someone there to make you happy and
someone you can count on to love, to be a crutch when times are rough,
and to experience the new horizons with.

But, needing and wanting are two different things..
You got to learn to love yourself, isolated and alone and a wreck, before you can
love someone else.

Sorry if this relates to you, sorry if this is harsh, but its so true.
It really is.

Dec 20, 2009

there is a descrepancy

the fact that being sober, and being influenced, they are completely different things.
When you love sober, its not the same when your under, and I just want to make one thing clear, with myself, and that is I need to find a lover that doesn't want to love me when he is under the influence, but rather would love me without the faded lights and delusional mind..
december 002
Love Sarah R.


Dec 17, 2009


Well, too be honest, not all of them....

Only the ones between 16-19,
the ones that have cute smiles and attractive eyes. The boys
that aren't afraid to be themselves, and the ones that don't care
what others think. The boys that aren't afraid, and the ones
that don't need substances to survive (or maybe they do), the sober
loving ones that love living life high too, the boy that enjoys a midsummer
day swimming, or who doesn't pressure me in to jumping off the diving board
because I hate it, or makes me unplug my nose when I dip under the water.
A boy who will come shopping and keep me company in my gas guzzling SUV,
who can listen to my problems that I keep to myself, that I can tell stories too,
and vent to about my past. A boy thats not awkward all the time, but only in the
right moments. Just a boy that can pay for me when needed, someone thats not cynical
but selfless, a boy that knows who he is. A boy that is genuine, that would
enjoy being anywhere, doing anything, whenever, with me. A boy that would love me
over anyone else (besides his mother/father/brother/sister), a boy that could lay in
my bed and fall asleep to Electric President, or The Early November with me. A boy
that is humble, and clever, and sophisticated, someone who cares for himself, someone standoffish, someone sarcastic, and someone that loves..

Is that all to much to ask for, I have a lot in there.

Dec 16, 2009


Its just me here,
the house to myself,
the car to myself,
and the room,
all to myself.
Its just me here,
saying I'm alone,
and I'm okay,
and just checking in on you.
Its me, wondering if
I am going to find someone soon,
and hoping that I will.
Its me, finally figuring out the way it works,
and understanding what I need to do,
and how to make things happen.
Its just me,
living day to day,
creating an impact.

love you,

Dec 14, 2009


The end of all ends, tieing the loose ends, the end of the maze, you found your way out of the labyrinth, the noose was loose, you fell flat on your caboose, than you got up, and passed the exit sign on the way out, passing through the door with the light shining through the glass window, and peering out you saw it brand new, shiny and gold and silver, and you wanted to look back, but you kept yourself from it and started over because now was better then ever before

its selfish, but being selfish in a hopeless situation is selfless if you ask me, because your saving each other, from each other...

Naw, naw, naw, maybe we can start to make promises


The (Human) is so very hypocritical....

"I won't ever turn out like my father/mother"
You will..

"I am quitting smoking/drinking/drugs"
You won't..

"I am done thinking of him/her"
You will..

"I am not going to be their friend"
You are..

So tell me a truth, instead of the lies I hear every single day. We are all the same.
We all want things to happen but we never accomplish them.
I swear to Myself, that I need to make things happen, and I'm hoping to someday, that I'm not going to rot my life away with hate and animosity, but its not going to be a promise.

I can't lie to myself.

Dec 13, 2009

Dreeeeeam Thoughts

A dream.
A man was throwing knives at me.
Hundreds were there to support me.
An old friend made an appearance, told me I was a goof, and to call him.
It was snowing, possibly raining?
It makes no sense to me.
They never do.

I just wonder if dreams tell the future.

Dec 12, 2009

the wavee~~~~~~~~

The wave of youth passes over me, and I stand in a room filled with people older than myself.

I have a fear of what comes next, and what is in store for me. All I really do is enjoy my time now, that's all you really should do, just be happy.

I feel so at ease right about now because I'm less of a stranger to myself, because I know my limit, and I know there is no rush right now. Just a bond of singers and dancers and dreamers in one room together with the stench of alcohol almost like it's pouring through the sound waves that are emitting from the mic. It's a sense of unity, it's a sense of originality, and everyone is a different person, everyone has a different story.

Now, my story I know all too well, day after day do I remember my story and grow tired and sick trying to remember things and play them in my head over and over again. I think it's time to say I am truly ready to meet someone with their own story, someone I could listen to, someone that can give me inspiration, and someone I can trust/confide in..

Like I said, I'm in no rush, because it will all come together as my life unfolds.

Dec 9, 2009

head pounding

winter makes me more creative, at least this winter does.
I'm working on a project, and it is just the beginning of many,
There is so much more then photography to be dealt with.

I like where this all is going,
and I know I can do it,
I just need some Tylenol along the way.


We sat in his car, with the snow coming down, and the wipers were washing it all away. We stopped on the side of the road and then he turned to me, holding onto my hand,
"I don't want to go home, I'm scared."

My spine shivered and I looked out the window. Perched on a branch was an owl, silent and still just like this night itself. I didn't know what to do or where I needed to be, all I knew was now.
"Then don't. Don't go home."

Dec 7, 2009




And I wondered laying on my cover, how is it that I have come to be this way completely apathetic and unemotional, feeling this constant numbness in my heart from something so long ago, something I am so attached too. And I remembered all the while that there was a period of time without the numbness, but only a little tingle, because it was put somewhere far, far away, but now it has resurfaced since June only because I let myself do so. Only because I wanted to feel helpless and desertion and I wanted to feel that way I used to feel,

the thing is,
you can never get your past back.
So Why, why do I keep trying to get it back, its a question I ask myself everyday looking for a lost face, and its a question that I need to put on hold, and store away forever.
I can't keep doing this to myself, it is killing me, because No one cares, no one sees the way I see, and no one will want to.

It's a clutter of feelings and facts and memories, no one would want to hear.
But, the thing is, it is what is making me feel Distant, and it is what is making me never want to stop writing because it makes me sane, and it makes me happy knowing I can rely on myself, and trust myself, because tonight I heard someone say,

"You can't even trust yourself.'

And that is a lie, because when you have lost trust in yourself, what is even the point in living anymore?

Basically, the only person I can trust is Me, because you need to have strength in yourself, and you need to be a fucking soldier to survive, and you need it all or you will be a dead man walking.

And theres a million things in my mind right now
and you won't read this,
and this song is making me feel a certain way,
and I'm not going to do my homework,
and I'm going to write on some loose leaf,
and I'm going to pass out,
and then I'm going to sleep,
and dream bad dreams,
and it will all be repeated tomorrow.

Dec 6, 2009


this is a stupid layout on my blog, I hate it, I can't ever get one I really enjoy looking at...

I rearranged my room, and cleaned it, it felt good.
I have been in a weird mood all day, maybe it was from lack of sleep or whatever all happened last night.
My throat hurts, and My mind doesn't know what it wants...

I don't know if I should quit/or keep going
I don't know why I keep having these bad dreams
I don't know why I sometimes smile and other times turn the other way....

I don't know, I just don't.

Dec 2, 2009


november 010

just a bunch of broken glass, ready to be buried underneath the dirt.
It's just that simple.