Feb 28, 2010

tell me where you been

so happy so happy, so mellow so mellow,
making money making friends new experiences
new faces and new places
Checking off the list for been there
but I will be there again
feeling good feeling light and heavy




Feb 25, 2010

[You Would Think...]





I would be utterly and completely hurt from an injury. Something that would take time to heal and patch up, it would stay bruised for a long while, until finally it healed but that scar would still remain. But, for some odd reason, when that fall happened, I picked myself up so high I swear it was an epiphany, And I wasn't mad that it happened. I couldn't believe How strong I was and how much courage I had, to be okay after something like that. It makes me feel amazing knowing I can be okay on my own and know that I am learning so much as the days go.


On a different note, I am anxious, my stomach hurts, I am antsy, I am nervous. For tomorrow night. What could happen! What if I look terrible! What if this is my only chance! What if I am just a paranoid over analyzing freak of nature that needs to mellow the fuck out!

I need to calmly talk myself down, and I need a good sleep I think I am just over exhausted...

GoodNight America
Sarah

Feb 24, 2010

and some of the time,



you want to be alone and you want to achieve and be by yourself and then your mind wanders and You think Fuck Fuck Fuck, why do I do this to myself, why do I create bad things again and again in my head when I am doing just fine...
And then you look out a window you seem to forget about, and realize You are perfectly fine.


I am tired, I am exhausted. I am exhausted from all this happiness in my life and all this greatness I am beginning to achieve.

1. Find new Love
2. Beauty is your best friend
3. Eye contact is Always good (not creepy eye contact)
4. Sleep is your second best friend
5. Its okay to keep close with your good friends, but at the same time, you need that personal distance too

Feb 23, 2010

and some of the time

your a mix between it all.
you love how you get lost in your head, smiling from what was said so long before and smiling at your decisions and your laughing now, at all that had happened,
and you breathe in and exhale all of your regrets because you've moved on, you're different now.
But still, you cringe when you can't get what you want, and your bones are telling you to give up and recreate your past and you get stuck.

to be continued

Feb 22, 2010

SCREAMSCREAMSCREAM

AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS IN THE MIDDLE OF A HIGHWAY ON A SPRING ROAD WITH FADED LINES AND A MUSTARD COLORED SKY WITH BLACK HAWKS CIRCLING ME UP ABOVE AND THROWING MY FUCKING PHONE ON THE GROUND AND TAKING A LIGHTER AND BURNING ALL MY PICTURES AND JOURNALS AND SCREAMING, SO LOUD, SO LOUD, AND BALLING MY EYES OUT LISTENING TO BANDS THAT USED TO BE THE BEST AND SCREAMING AND SCREAMING AND FALLING TO MY KNEES AND RIPPING MY HAIR OUT AND SHAKING WITH FEAR AND SHAKING FROM THE BREEZE AND SHAKING FROM THE TOSSED MEMORIES AND SHAKING FROM THE SECRETS AND SHAKING FROM THE LEARNING BEING SQUEEZED IN TO ME AND HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING FROM GROWING UP TO FAST AND HOLDING ON TO MYSELF FOR FEAR OF BEING LOVED AND HOLDING MY FACE FOR FEAR OF BEING SEEN AND LOOKING AT THE VALLEYS SURROUNDING ME WITH NOTHING BUT OPENNESS AND SCREAMING STILL AND BURNING THE LAST POLAROID AT THIS POINT AND SHIVERING AND SOBBING AND LEARNING AND LETTING GO AND REGRETTING MY WASTED TIME AND SEEING MY LIFE BEFORE ME AND REALIZING SO FUCKING MUCH AND ABOUT TO REALIZE SO MUCH MORE

And that's my life, thats what it has led up to in my head

Feb 21, 2010

A Misinterpreted Part

It seems to all make sense. How the story keeps repeating itself. How I am back to point A, never reaching point B, where my expectations are held, and reality is the only thing that strikes my eyes and my brain, yet my heart beats with the hope that is left lingering, but Now,
Hah, Now,
it all makes sense..
Every piece in my life, just happens.
Destiny and fate and what I want and what I expect and What its supposed to be and this is what I must have..its all bullshit, its all just a waste of time to hold on.
It was just a misinterpreted part in my life, something I thought I needed, but how clear it is to see that Now, I am ready.

Ready to live with my eyes open and mind open

dizzy

from thinking of my interrupted life by your presence, from the impact you have made on me for years and months and days. And how we have grown, two seperate branches stretching across intertwining in to one but we are yet so different

Feb 17, 2010

spring

is coming soo sooon, love is going to be in the air, a new layer of fresh confidence and motivation is coming, and I am ready to unravel my thick blanket of repetitiveness that winter has brought, I hope to be Jumbled and New and Confused and Curious and wanting more more more with the new season....
I am extremely looking forward to being fit, to being not so cold all the time, to new love and a refresh button in my life!!!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhh....everything is going so well

Feb 16, 2010

Ah,

no motivation for anything right now, I feel like passing out in my bat cave of a room and dreaming the night away. Today was a restless day for me. I have homework tonight, I'm not sure if I can bring myself to finish it. I am anxious for what happens next in my life, and I am anxious for the decisions I will be making soon...I was annoyed today and tired and crabby..mostly because I didn't get enough sleep, but also due to the fact of my peers and my teachers being completely isolating and annoying and how nonchalant I act. I don't care about what you do and who you are and what you're doing with your life, I may talk about it, but in the fucking end I honestly don't care because they are your decisions, and in a way, I just wish everyone knew that that should be their number one priority, to leave people be and stop getting so caught up in each others lives..cause from my perspective its nothing but A Heap of useless Stress your involving yourself in, and A never shutting up mouth that keeps running that is going to need to get slapped.

I don't know, I think I am learning though which is good. I think I am learning a lot with my life right now. Not just what I wrote up there, but I feel like I am okay on my own, I feel good, It feels good to forget things.

Feb 15, 2010

Need to keep up with Blogging:

I've been fine with things, I am usually never alone, I am just going with the flow, not worrying about money or anything, not feelin sad, but feelin pretty fucking good!

Feb 9, 2010

lost.icism

i have beautiful friends and a beautiful family and i'm starting to learn how to love myself, but then again, i can't seem to see through my doubt.

and then i realized, you have to find yourself before you fall for somebody else. who is going to appreciate a confused/pathetic/doubtful/insecure girl who tries to be like everyone in her life because On my own, I don't know who I am or who to be.

It's no wonder I have made the mistakes I have made, its no wonder I can't grasp on to a relationship, and there is the reason why I am so confused. Because, I don't have hope in myself, and I don't know why I want to be like everyone and gain everyone's approval and feel worth for all the wrong reasons.

Shit....I need to take a bath and think of all of this.

Feb 7, 2010

Feb 4, 2010

ALL I KNOW (pt. tres)

january 389

SELF CONTROL, from the thing that hurts me the most.
I know what I know and I know what to do, and what not to do, BUT ITS SO HARD!
I don't know where to start, or where to end!
I don't know how to initiate or how to bind everything together,
I donno how to speak or act or anything.
Forgotten how to think, forgetting...

forgot about you! I don't want to, but I am trying to
I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL, and you know what! I don't care anymore! The games we are all supposed to play, the people we are all SUPPOSED to be, Fuck it, fuck that.. why are we all so conformed into thinking certain ways, doing certain things, living with certain ideas pressed against us? Why are we too afraid to take a damn risk once in a while, why are we so afraid to be OPEN and HONEST, and why are we afraid to be WHO WE WERE MEANT TO BE?

Feb 3, 2010

migraine.

from this low sappy love song and wishful thinking and getting my hopes up and the let down after let down, but from the confusion of the what-used-to-be- conflict, and the what could haves, and maybe what should haves, and the worries, and the memories, and the futures, and the friends, and the lovers, and the parents, and the families, and the schools, and the phones, and the music, and the screens, and the lights, the lights, the lights...

the lights need to be dimmed, I need to have a block in my head, a soft comforter and mattress, and a pencil and a piece of paper, and words pouring from the leaky faucet in my head, dropping on to the page I would be grasping with my hands..

\ from,everything,

Feb 2, 2010

ALL I KNOW (pt. TWO)

So, your in a room filled with different people, some you're close to and some you barely even know...and then a roaring crowd comes together in Unity and you forget about what and who you knew as you all came together...Well, I love that feeling,

High school is way to segregate into different groups separated by morals and lives and goals. Its ridiculous how it all works, because we are all the same people...but, things work a certain way and you have to know How to work it..

I just gotta live right now and work with my youth, I don't care about being immature, I am 16, High school Alpha Dogs and Bitches mean nothing to me other then a Name's way of being at the top of the food chain and I am not even apart of that chain, I am like my own separate thing, my own separate little thing I think

I am just nothing I guess

Feb 1, 2010

ALL I KNOW (pt. One)

Really, all I know, is, people walk in and out of my life as the years pass.
Every year, I meet new people, some interesting and some not so much.
I lose the people that I thought mattered so much to me at a specific time.
Do I believe in the saying "Everything happens for a reason"?
To be honest, Yes, I do. There are some damn good reasons I have pulled away from so many influences in my life. To the people that got my in to drugs, the people that showed me conformity is a wasteland, that multiple sex-ing experiences deteriorates such a once loved person, the people that bring their insecurities out on you only to doubt your every move and the way you look...

All these people once in my life seemed to peel away as if I were in the center of it all, and I have to go through all of this to finally find myself and finally trust in my soul.

Its so hard though when everything that tears a human relationship apart happens. It seems like the end of the world. I see the faces that affected my life every day, I wonder how they're doing, if maybe things could be different now, maybe we're different now?

The answer is No. And I know this all to well. I know that people never change the way they are, they never learn there fucking lessons, and you can't trust someone you have lost trust within. And it sucks, it sucks to be in that sort of position where you Know you screwed up, and/or You are ready to make amends with everyone you have tussled with, But Fuck, No one cares Right? No one will ever step up and save something that meant everything to them, you only see that in movies, because people Never change in real life,

People NEVER fucking change.