Jul 15, 2010

here today. gone tomorrow.

so many thoughts right now...

it feels like each day is the same, feels like a part of myself is missing, I am trying to fill it with every need I feel. But, nothing fills it, it still remains gone. I keep asking myself when this hole will be replaced, I keep wondering how it is I will feel satisfied, what do I need?

Need and want, it consumes everybody. We all want things, but do we need them?
Eventually, your life hits you so hard, your sitting there wondering why you are taking these hits, why you're taking these shots, why your smoking these cigarettes, is it because this feels right? It feels good right now. We are young, our lives are passing by so fast. This is fun to us..but one day, when that day is right, sober and life, go hand in hand, cause substance is substance its only that, its not a part of anyone, it does not fill gaps or holes..it is not a missing puzzle piece...

One day I am going to take a stand, its not hard but right now, it feels normal...

The only way to fill that hole I seem to have is my dreams, that hole is my future, I wish I could reach out and feel it, feel everything in twenty years from now, where the fuck am I going to be, who will be there for me, and who is going to be there to love me, and who isn't? Who won't be there, who dropped me, who the fuck did I drop to get where I want to be?

These people in my life, some of them, they are diminishing, they are slowly fading off the map, I seem smarter and wiser, I seem to play everything off, but deep down, do I know whats best for me? Do I know when to stop loving somebody? Do I know when to stop caring? I hold on to every moment, and then that moments gone..all I have is that point in time where I can always look back at....






every day I examine myself, who the fuck am I? who am I trying to prove? I am only trying to prove something to myself...prove that even though I am alone, even though my mother has never really been a mother to me the woman that is broke whom I barely get to see, the father that remains distant the man that is blind who doesn't understand anything about me, and that my friends fill the space from time to time, even that I am alone I can try the least bit to understand myself cause it seems like no one else can understand me, who has the guts to even try?

This isn't a cry for help, this is a cry for something NEW

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