Feb 8, 2009

baby, baby

At a standstill, constantly.

To you all, I will never be good enough
I lack in certain areas that seem important to you.
I have missing pieces to me, my brain isn't screwed on right
and my mouth opens and closes as my tongue motions the words that
no one is satisfied by. I don't know what it is, I don't know how to say it.
I know that sometimes I say the wrong things without
putting any thoughts into it first,
but I just wish you could have hope in me

I know I am a good friend, but why can't you just be the same to me?
I am always second best compared to everything, something has always been better
than me. And I am done with it all. There is a sense of independence starting to form which has never been there. It feels good knowing I am done relying on you for your words, and that means it is time to hold things in. Shutting people out from the things they don't need to know about me makes me feel secure. After all the mistakes I have made, I am surprised I am not that independent yet. Something internal is creeping out of my bones, and is telling me to stop the effort with some of you because none of this matters when you let me down. If we could all just be good, good friends to one another, none of these things would have to happen, but when you act the certain way you do and do the certain things which make me feel shitty, tough times call for certain measures.


Some of you wonder why I change my mind so easy and fall right back in to place over time, but change is the thing that attracts me. It pulls me in, and I can't escape it. I just search for new things that can bring me to new situations, and new laughs and new people. This life has so many opportunities and I seem to seek every one. When you don't experience anything other then what you have been used to, you feel empty. You seem to decay to a certain point where you don't know what to do next. I am doing this for me, and only me I wish you could understand. I don't want it to affect any of you and make you feel worthless or unwanted, but I want it all. I want everything this life brings me, and you should be the same way

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