Nov 23, 2011

What the fuck.

Home at last. Home, it feels fine. It feels different. It feels...weird. So many memories I have made here for the past 17 years of my life. And lately, things don't seem to be making me happy. I have forgotten what it feels like to have butterflies, I forgot about having a crush or two, and real friends, a true blue group of amigos that I can be myself around. Every step I take is in a direction where it leads to a wall, so I am stepping in circles only leading to dead ends and nails in the wall. What the fuck? Fuck everything, fuck everybody, fuck myself. Life is such hell, life is so unknown, yet we pretend we know what the fuck is going on. NEGATIVE outlook right now on everything. when I am such a positive's just like....what the fuck is next? Bland boring people resorting to their old ways never learning making me feel stupid like shit never moving never connecting frayed wires tied in to knots. I am watching you, and I feel like a fucking rock in a river slowly eroding from you and your bullshit life.

Writing this has made me realize that I am just trying to make myself feel better in all honesty and this is horrible. I usually get what I want, and the thing that I want the most I can't have and never had. I can only enjoy when he decides to come and step in to my life, and when he goes I am the only one that gets sad. Hate, hate hate hate hate. fuck you.

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