A FULL COMPLETE BREAK DOWN OF MYSELF, JUST FOR YOU (OR ME?)
I am a withering person so tragically lost in the space of doubt,
Doubt, I doubt myself all the time. I think I am incapable of everything, causing me to feel
Embarrassed, by everything I do, the way I look, and the way I present myself I wish I had confidence, something I lack where I look down at my shoes and I'm afraid to stare you in your eyes.
I get lost in my head all the time and escape from this frightening reality of
replicated personalities and the day to day routine that crushes all of us into a
smoldering heap of fabricated stories and the bad talking about regular people to escape our insecurities only to make us feel falsely stronger and get the fixed feeling of achievement.
I run from all of my opportunities which are handed to me, I am a hopeless romantic, I am a disorganized mess. I don't know what I'm doing or why I am doing it half the time. I seem unapproachable. I feel like a shadow. I feel basic.
I say things that aren't meant to be said but I say them anyway because I'm blunt and because sometimes I wish people could take what I had to say, not to heart, but I wish people didn't have to be so god damn sensitive or they could handle the truth and come down from there pedastal. There is a thin line between anger and a joke for me. I tweak out.
I dislike being alone and the only thing that entertains me anymore is the past because those were fond memories that blew away with the wind.
I wish I could break my walls down, I wish I could be more talkative and more genuine. I hate the fact my Mom never had the chance to parent me as I grew older. I hate that my Father loves control. I always tell myself I'm not going to be like either one of them because I am watching them as their lives are crumbling away because they never reached out and grabbed their aspirations with their palms.
I want to live somewhere else then this town. I want to make goals. I don't want a normal job, normal house, normal goals. I want to escape, travel, write, experience, fall in love, do things I can achieve on this Planet before my dieing day.
Getting drunk and stoned all the time is not what I want to continue in my life. I am fucking sixteen years old, but by the time I am 21 I probably would have been sick of alcohol. Smoking cigarettes, about that, I wanted to quit. I know its bad. I know it can kill you. I know you can get lung cancer. But, the fruit of life comes from what you enjoy, and Hell if I am feeling a little lonely or If I want a moment to think, then I am going to smoke one because were all going to fucking die someday why the fuck does it matter what we do to our bodies.
I don't know if I am a religious person. I don't know if I have a religion. I want to. But, something inside me wants me to beleive everything happens for a reason, you can't question it, but it just happens. I want to beleive there is something higher then me on the pedastal of existence, but the only thing I can beleive in is myself because it is already a fight for me to do that. To challenge my beleifs and opinions, and do the greater good of humanity.
Something about me always wants what I can't have. I want him, I want this color hair, I want to be like her, I want that money. I take what I have for granted, because I never am satisfied with my life or friends or where I stand.
About love, about boys, I don't know what my problem is. I run away from people reaching out to me, and I always want to try and change people. I have a notion in my head and I can't seem to get it out. I do all the wrong things, I never play right, and my standards remain a mystery because I am saving a spot in my life for Mr. Perfect. Yeah right, I keep telling myself, I won't ever let him in my life anyway. I am a mess. I fret over the small things. Analyze my every move, his every move, everyone's every move. I question everything. Doubt. [There's that word again.] I guess I just don't get the way the world works.
I don't think I am a creeper kind of girl when I like the guy. But when I want something really bad I wish I could just have it, I wish it could be right there in front of me, and I wish two people didn't have to be so damn different, and I wish lives didn't have to change, and I wish there was a right time, and a right place.
But, everyone is different, everyone has different ideas and histories and futures. Not everyone can get along and not everyone can see all your worth. I have thin skin I let everything get to me. I can't stand when people are mad at me. I can't stand disapproval because honestly, yes I do care if you disapprove I do care what you think and what you say to others.
I spend way too much time alone.
I hope you can get a better understanding of me, I more or less just wanted whoever that reads this, to see a little bit more in my soul, don't know if you even read what I wrote or believe it, but maybe my 2nd personality wrote down a bunch of lies to make myself really feel like that. I think I just needed to get that all out. All those flaws. It helps. A little....
I've got to start loving myself.