give me an amen,

your on the same page as me, I bet you are.
The page that is blank, the page that wants to be turned,
the page that lost its words...

I want to be a new page. I want lots of words. I can turn, I can tear, I can become an airplane, I want to become a swan, or how about a box, or make me a fan. I want all of this, and it is all here.

I have the materials, I have me, so now it is time to put these words in to action (which never results in how I would really want it to.)

I guess I just wish I had that power. To change completely in to what I would like. No one is holding us back, we do as we wish. It is our brain, and lungs, and liver, and hearts. Shouldn't we do as we please? What makes us happy?

So that is what I strive to do. Or, striving.

On another note, how about them envious people? Like, per say, Me?
It is a horrible thing, to be jealous. I can be all I can be, so I wouldn't have to be jealous. But, there is always that one thing that is holding us back from it all, and you can never get a hint of what it really is because it is too close to count and to little to matter. But, some days I feel like I found it. Found out what really makes me have that envious taste in my mouth, and it is because I wish too much. I wish for all the world, I wish for the past and for people, and wishing doesn't do anything. You have got to do something to do it. And that may be the answer to my quest of the roots of my envy. But, who all really knows, you know? I can live I can breathe I can speak without this all weighing me down. And I know I can, it has always been alive within me.

on and on and on

When will truly learn the lesson and when will the failing end?
We follow our hearts and never seem to do what our conscious tells us too
I remember when I followed myself, and it seems my mind takes control these days, over analyzing everything, past, present, future.
Where did the moment go, please tell me where it went.
Too caught up in everything that doesn't revolve anymore, too much time spent on things that never exist, it is like I'm here but pieces are lost, forever
But when will the pieces rebuild? Is this something I must do myself? Pick it all up again from the beginning. 'Time runs through our veins' It is the only thing I seem to know. But when will people know when to stop. Stop running back to the same old things that never work, that never do them any good, all the negatives seem to rise up above the positives, but yet, we run back to it all. It is habitual, it is us, we are fleeing from our minds, following the only path we know. Someday, it has got to stop. Someday, it will stop, but just try, try from within and you can do it. Wish we were kids again, doing nothing but taking it all in, life changing choices didn't exist, our minds seemed underdeveloped, and our faces seemed so pleasant. If only we stayed the same throughout life and made the decisions that would prove us to be the strong people we want to be

All the things I've never done

Sitting here, with discomfort, I realize that I need to start doing something more productive. Why would I rather sit and type on this computer, which doesn't fill my satisfaction, when I could be walking my dog, cleaning my room, taking pictures, creating something, doing something worth my time...

This isn't good, Sarah, it really isn't.

There is so much to explore in the world, and even millions of things to explore about yourself. I need to learn how to be more productive with my time and do something meaningful.

Aghh, that discomfort is coming back to me, it's time to go

Grasp

When the worst of situations arrives
you have to accept it, piece by piece.
But, learning to accept something is much greater
then being able to block it out

You can't block something out forever.

This will be the hardest thing I have come across in my life

I'm already alone

Thinking back, thinking now, it was you all along..
Can't expand other then what I have already seen,
what I have already done

Wish I could be them, so I wouldn't have to sit alone
I think and think and this is the only thing I have come up with
How pathetic I am, to not be able to pursue what I want.

I am scared of rejection, I am scared of regret, but most of all
I am scared to be happy again.

Was that really it, was it the thing that made me happy?
Or did it make me feel worthless in the long run.

I just want everything back.
I want myself, my childhood, my old friends, my memories to grasp
I just want it all, why can't I reach out, and touch it with the tips of my fingers?

It seems too far away now, but It is too hard to let it all pass over.
Things don't die forever, something will always remain no matter what it may be

baby, baby

At a standstill, constantly.

To you all, I will never be good enough
I lack in certain areas that seem important to you.
I have missing pieces to me, my brain isn't screwed on right
and my mouth opens and closes as my tongue motions the words that
no one is satisfied by. I don't know what it is, I don't know how to say it.
I know that sometimes I say the wrong things without
putting any thoughts into it first,
but I just wish you could have hope in me

I know I am a good friend, but why can't you just be the same to me?
I am always second best compared to everything, something has always been better
than me. And I am done with it all. There is a sense of independence starting to form which has never been there. It feels good knowing I am done relying on you for your words, and that means it is time to hold things in. Shutting people out from the things they don't need to know about me makes me feel secure. After all the mistakes I have made, I am surprised I am not that independent yet. Something internal is creeping out of my bones, and is telling me to stop the effort with some of you because none of this matters when you let me down. If we could all just be good, good friends to one another, none of these things would have to happen, but when you act the certain way you do and do the certain things which make me feel shitty, tough times call for certain measures.

-----------------------------------

Some of you wonder why I change my mind so easy and fall right back in to place over time, but change is the thing that attracts me. It pulls me in, and I can't escape it. I just search for new things that can bring me to new situations, and new laughs and new people. This life has so many opportunities and I seem to seek every one. When you don't experience anything other then what you have been used to, you feel empty. You seem to decay to a certain point where you don't know what to do next. I am doing this for me, and only me I wish you could understand. I don't want it to affect any of you and make you feel worthless or unwanted, but I want it all. I want everything this life brings me, and you should be the same way

if you think you know enough

You don't.
A lack of independence growing inside is aiming right at my heart
It is there, but I am slowly falling, falling back in to the hole I was once in.
It is a cold place to be, very lonely.
I try, I try, I try, I don't try, do I?
Wish things stayed the same throughout these years, to never change
to always have the same settings, thoughts, and people by my side
I miss every memory, I miss every person, I miss every feeling.
Growing older but, I feel lonelier and lonelier by the second,
and I am unsatisfied with it.
I want you back and everything that came along with it,
I want Past back, come here and lay with me because these days seem
to go by too fast

caught in a rut

dug myself in a ditch, how do I get out.
Get me out of this place And let my mind escape,
never seem to stray away far from these thoughts that turn in to a normality for me
wished they were gone, dead, along with the memories I had to kill
this cold gets the best of me in these situations.
I am ready for a new semester, spring, and balance

I just can't let my mind wander for long, I know where it takes me

I once was content,

Only some days I do fine, only some days I am well. I have to keep striving, and keep pushing, for just what it is I want. My life is disorganized, everything in it. My plans, my goals, my settings, me. I try to be more in order with everything, but it is just not who I am. I don't live to be perfect, I live to do what makes me happy.

<><><><>
I think I will be Okay.

these winter months are cold,

I shiver in my sleep, and wake with no rest at all.
I wish school disappeared, and sometimes I wish I did as well.
Overwhelmed by what ifs, and the past, just doesn't help my situation at all,
actually, it makes it ten times worse.

Awkward walk by's, and eye contact that I don't try to create, just happens.
Although, at least we get a sense that we both exist.

-I wish spring would come sooner, because than I would know summer would be just around the bend. My creativity has been dead. I want a new camera, but because I am quitting my job this week, that won't happen for a long time. I just wish I had my license already.
The school dance is coming up, and I am unsure If I want to go. Last year I had a pretty shitty time, I am wondering if I can find something better to do.
This weekend was too funny. Friday, I was with a bunch of people at all different times. Now, Saturday, that is a completely different story. Is there any much worse I can make a fool of myself? I need to know my limitations before I go to far. I suck. Sunday, was an absolutely bore. napped for a while, than Mom visited. It was a saddening time, and her emotions got the best of her. I wish she could get to what she wants, and reach out and just grab it. But, that is too hard.
Greg is here. Barely talk face to face with him. Losing contact day by day, all because of who knows what. Friends are friends, but they don't stay friends forever, now do they? Learning to build a tolerance for these sort of things. To go ahead and not let it get the best of me, because I know what I want to do and how I am going to do it. All I need to do is walk straight, chin up, and with a smile, knowing Everything is going to be fine.
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I just think time goes by too fast to recognize what your doing with all these moments.